You know how sometimes you have to pee. But you don’t want to stop what you are doing. So you just continue to do what you are doing and ignore that you have to pee. And for some reason you even continue drinking Coke Zero (or Pepsi if you are disgusting) in some kind of silent protest against your need to pee. Like, you are trying to convince yourself that you don’t have to pee by performing actions that will make you have to pee more. Anyone up for a hand dip in warm, then cold water? Now it’s a party.
And so instead of peeing, I’ve decided to blog. I haven’t blogged in a while, and I guess right now felt like a completely urgent time to rectify that. Do I hear a faucet running?
So what have I been doing in my spare time you ask? In what direction is my life going? Am I single? How much do I weigh? All questions that have no doubt been in the forefront of your mind.
The first thing I’ve done is listen to a shit load of books on tape. Except by tape I mean IPOD. It started with actually seeing The girl with the Dragon Tattoo in the theater, and then forcing a friend of mine to tell me how the second book starts and ends and then combining my curiosity with how the third book starts and ends with my boredom from a temporary, but gruesome commute to work and back every day. So I downloaded the second book and three days later I downloaded the third.
Once that was over I was like an addict. Listening to the radio was no longer enough. In fact, on days I was forced to listen to the radio I got photo-enforced traffic tickets. (I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but since you aren’t either…I’m going with it.)
So I downloaded whatever was first on the audio book recommend list (which was Hunger Games.) After the first book, I downloaded the second book…then the third. Hunger games was totally freaking awesome. I made sure to listen to the first book before seeing the movie. Good Call. Then listened to the other two and proceeded to tell everyone who would listen, every single detail.
Spoiler Alert: People keep dying … and I don’t think anyone actually dies of Hunger. If you want to know everything else, let me know. Also, Peta should just be named Peter because calling him Peta is kind of bullshit. And also he turns in to a bit of a douche.
But then where do you go from there? I looked at a bunch of other mystery novels and wasn’t feeling them, so I downloaded an autobiography by Maureen McCormick about how no one knows who she is. You’re confused right? Because you don’t know who she is either. She’s Marsha, Marsha, Marsha Brady. So now you see why no one knows who she is right? Because no one cares. Turns out she did a lot of drugs and blew an interview with Steven Spielberg. Riveting.
Then I downloaded an autobiography by Rob Lowe. Fucking Awesome. That guy was going to school and making homemade movies with his little friends Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. Oh and the Penn brothers…Sean and Chris. And then there was the annoyingly enthusiastic kid that drove him crazy….what was that guys name? Oh yeah…TOM FUCKING CRUISE.
It was a great book. And Rob Lowe has a sexy voice.
Then I downloaded a book by Kristen Johnston called Guts. She’s the chick from 3rd Rock to the Sun, and she also played a drunk girl who fell out of a window in an episode of Sex in the City. I’m sure she did other stuff, but her book only really talked about how she took a bunch of drugs and her stomach exploded.
Then I downloaded a book about Andrea Yates, the chick who drowned her five kids, all under the age of 7, in a bathtub, then put them in bed and called the police. That was a real zippy listen for the car ride.
After that bright star, I downloaded a book about changing habits. I felt obligated to listen to the ENTIRE thing, even though I got the point after the first chapter.
The point was: Find the trigger for your habit, identify the habit, and identify the reward. Then just change the actual habit while keeping the trigger and the reward the same. Oh yeah, and also get some will power. Thanks for the life changing advice.
Then I downloaded Guilty Wives. Great book! I ended up going through that one pretty quick because I started listening beyond the car ride. Cleaning, vacuuming, doing my makeup, cooking (microwaving) … all while listening.
Now I’ve just downloaded Stay Close. Let’s see what happens in this one. Seems good…prostitutes, an old case, a tired detective, a low budget photographer. All of the makings of a law and order episode. I’m interested.
I want to download 50 shades of grey, but I’m scared to drive while listening to soft porn, which I’ve heard is what the book is. And also, I’ve heard the woman who reads it sounds like a 12-year-old valley girl and I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable listening to a 12-year-old valley girl talk about bondage while I’m on my way to the Pentagon.
If you do the math, then Yeah, I’ve spent quite a bit of money on books in the last few months. But it helps take my mind off the fortune I’ve spent in gas, which is far more significant.
In addition to the books, I’m in a relationship, my weight hasn’t changed much and I’m happy. I know, about as boring as Maureen McCormick. Don’t tell me. You’ve forgotten who she is already.
Think on it while I pee.
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