Currently Chasing: A Movie Ticket

Alcohol is a pain in the ass. In Afghanistan we weren’t allowed to have ANY. So you can imagine now that I’m a light weight when it comes to drinking. Not that I could ever drink anyone under the table, but I used to be able to hold my own.

Except that time I went to Atlantic City and ended up incoherent and being shuttled around the hotel in a wheel chair. I ended up in the security section of the hotel until they were sure I could at least pronounce my name and could determine that I wasn’t going to die from choking on my own vomit.

But other than that dreadful night, and the time I vomited for 23 minutes straight outside of the taco bell parking lot, I’ve done alright.

And then there was last night. I went out with a close friend and his buddy. We are sitting around and I decide to order a drink. I take it down like I would take down a five year old in an arm wrestling competition. Quickly and without hesitation. I order another and I’m feeling good. Too good. One of two things happens when I get to my drinking happy place.

1.       I make out with someone. (Most likely someone I know, but that’s not always a guarantee.)

2.       I talk too much and say stupid shit that will haunt me later.

Last night, it was the latter. I start talking about something mildly inappropriate, and then it escalates into something I probably shouldn’t talk about, and then rounds out in the ‘definitely do not fucking say this’ area.

By the time I realized what had happened, the damage was done. I was no longer the cute, funny girl that had sat down thirty minutes earlier. I was now the drunk girl who stumbled up to the cliff and then swan dove right the fuck off. Great. That’s me right? I’m the asshole? Yep. I was the asshole.

So my friend is pissed and I’m trying to smooth things over, but at that point I’m still not totally convinced I’ve done anything wrong. I’m just doing that thing where you apologize blindly and hope that whatever you did to get yourself in trouble solves itself at some point during your ramblings. But not this time. He asked me if I was finished eating. I said yes. Then he got up with his friend and they left.

There was one problem with leaving at that point. I was still, um, not quite under the legal alcohol limit to drive. So I wandered around the mall in JLo Heels that I had no business being in … and made my way toward the moving theater.

I bought a ticket for ‘Take me home,’ which seemed very appropriate, and proceeded to watch a movie by myself to sober up and ‘think about what I did.’

On the downside, I’ll probably be watching even more movies alone in the future due to the fact that I become a plague after one drink.

The upside is, I can finally catch that Justin Beiber flick that no one will go with me to watch! Nothing says winner like a drunk 30 something sitting alone in a Justin Beiber 3D movie. Another upside is, with a little alcohol in me, I may finally understand his hair.

Currently Chasing: A Full (of shit) Moon

So just got back from watching Eclipse, the latest installment from the Twilight phenomenon, and let me just warn you there will be some spoilers in here…so heed the alert.

First of all, let me just say Fuck. Fuck everything about this movie. I mean, there is a reason the main characters aren’t really human. I would believe that vampires and werewolves exist before I would believe that the love portrayed in this movie exists.

Can you please let me know if you’ve ever been in the middle of, or even on the outside looking into, such an extreme love triangle? Edward loves her. We get it. We don’t need a breathy, hesitated 25-minute monologue every hour to remind us that Edward wants to save her soul and marry her and love her forever. GEEZUS, we get it. What I don’t get is this insatiable love that Jacob has for her. And also why he always needs to talk through a stiff angry mouth. Even when he’s telling her he loves her he’s angry about it. And quite dramatic actually. Like…”Bella, you have the right to know what’s going on. I’m in love with you. Grrr. And I’m angry!”

So Jacob FINALLY gets that kiss, right before Bella punches him in the face and breaks her hand on his cheek. Since when are werewolves made of steel? So SuperJacob and Edward are all in an uproar over her and who she’s going to choose and what she’s going to do. And they are just hanging on her every word and once again the entire movie revolves around saving her life and kissing her ass. Jacob tells her he’s going to love her till her heart stops beating and Edward can’t get a wedding ring on her fast enough.

So my friend sends me this text about the movie:

“I know the love that they show in these kind of movies is not realistic. But do you think there is anything close? I know you will probably say no, but love varies with every person and every relationship right? And it is all about what you put into it and get back. I would think if you loved someone hard and they loved you the same way back that it would compare and seem like the love in the movies. Don’t you think so?”

To which I replied, “Nope.”

To which my friend replies, “So what’s the point? What am I looking for? Am I fucked? I just told the person I once thought was the love of my life that I was not in love anymore. If there isn’t that kind of love out there than what the hell?”

And I promptly respond, “First off, it’s then, not than. If there isn’t that kind of love out there THEN what the hell, not THAN what the hell. And that is the point. You make a choice to put it all in and get it all back. She chose Edward. She’s not going to go fuck Jacob because it feels good. She’s sticking with her choice. You don’t get the kind of love unless you give it. And us mortals, we can’t give it.”

“Or won’t give it,” my friend responds.

And then adds that he’s done being gay.

I tell him that there are people who love like that, but the objects of their affection usually end up in a freezer.

In the end, it’s a good thing that Jacob was always half naked. My friend said it distracted everyone from his gayness. I say it distracted you from noticing that even the characters couldn’t ACT like they were that in love. Love like that is nearly impossible to feel and even harder to fake.

Unless you belong to the list of guys I’ve dated recently. But they haven’t really been human either.

Currently Chasing: Non-Cons

I’m not an advocate of confrontation. I don’t enjoy it. I get embarrassed easily when it comes to situations where people are getting confronted or called on their behavior. It’s something that’s been with me all my life. It’s why I learned to tell jokes. It’s why I’m a nice person even when people don’t deserve for me to be. It’s why I’ve learned to be a good mediator. And it’s most likely why I get walked on by most of my boyfriends. I learned this trait from my mother, who is so non-confrontational that she won’t even answer the damn phone.

It’s been a problem since I was a teenager. I would babysit my brothers and they would fight. I couldn’t stand the confrontation. Once I just wrapped window shutter cords around both of their necks and told them that if they didn’t stop fighting I’d leave them there until they suffocate. This was probably not a good way to handle a tense situation. What I’m telling you here is that I go to EXTREME measures to avoid confrontation.

It seems though, that I befriend and also date the most confrontational people in the world. One of my best friends makes it her job to call out every single dumb ass in the world. We were at a bar once and this guy was trying to talk to me. She leaned over and told him that we weren’t going to a part of whatever miscarriage he had going on. GEEZUS! Then he asked what the D on my necklace stood for, and before I could tell him, she leaned over and said DYKE. We are together. Go the fuck away.

And with that, he did. I said damn girl, did you have to be so mean? She responded with, he’s Canadian, if you aren’t rude to them they will stick around all night. And they are bad tippers. This is the same girl who worked for me at one point and when I asked her not to eat in the office, she told me to suck a fat dick. And there you go. My friends.

So last night I’m at a movie with a guy friend and we are watching Kick Ass. Great flick by the way. The movie is all about confrontation. Now, occasionally my seat will get kicked when I’m in a theater, but I do my best to ignore it. And sometimes there will be a crying baby, or a loud eater, or God Forbid, a texter, and I just let it go. But last night the people behind us decided to kick my friend’s seat. And this is a guy who LIVES for confrontation. He once got cut off by someone on the freeway, and instead of just going on with his life, he sped up, got in front of the car, and then slowed down to a snail’s pace. When the car tried to pass again, he sped up…then would slow down. He did this for AN HOUR! He also refused to let a car merge once. He made it his mission to keep this guy from merging. So much so that the guy was literally yelling out the window that he was going to fucking kill us. I was in the passenger side pretending not to hear. Meanwhile my guy friend was in the driver‘s side with his middle finger out telling the guy to suck a fat dick. What is this fascination with fat dicks all of a sudden?

Anyway, back to the movie. So he gets kicked. I see him turn around…I grab his knee. He knows I hate him being confrontational. He turns back around and enjoys the movie. He gets kicked again, he turns around and says, WTF? I grab his knee. He turns back around to enjoy the movie. The third time he stands up, turns around and says, kick my seat again and I’m gonna kick your ass. He sits back down…he can hear them all talking…he turns and says, I’ll beat the shit out of all of you. I am steady pretending to enjoy my popcorn. It’s NOT working. I want to just go back there and apologize and tell them that he doesn’t mean it. That he’s just had a long day. I want to defuse the situation, but I don’t. I just sit there.

At the end of the movie I glance behind us. He did a very good job of confronting them. And trust me, those three little girls will never kick another seat.

Currently Chasing: Batteries and a fire extinguisher

I went and saw a movie this weekend; The time-traveler’s wife. First of all, most people would much rather see a movie about a time traveler. I mean, who really gives a shit about his wife? Especially when the time traveler is Eric Bana, and he travels…NAKED! Why would I want to see a bunch of scenes without him?

Second of all, how is this movie different from real life men who don’t time travel? Ladies, how many times have you eaten dinner alone while waiting on your man? How many times have you actually been with your man, but mentally he’s not really there anyway? I mean really. My first husband must have been a time traveler because he was always somewhere else…NAKED!

And lastly…there really was no happy ending. If I want to watch a movie about a woman in a relationship with a man who is never around, that ends with him still not around, I’ll just rewind my memories for the past three years and save myself $10.

I arrived early for the movie though because initially I was very excited to see it. I had seating of my choice. I chose a seat high enough up not to have my vision blocked and also sat near the aisle in case I had a case of the bladders. Mostly due to the liter of cola they give you. And by give you, I mean sell to you for a thousand dollars.

So all is well until I start to smell something. It’s not a fart. Oh no. A fart is very distinctive. This smell was far fouler than a passing of gas. This smell lingered and burned your nostrils. This smell was both hot and toxic. I looked around and immediately found the source. A woman was seated behind me. She was by no means thin, and although she was big, I guess it’s always possible to be bigger…however, she took up two seats, and she was sitting with her legs open. There was no way I was going to marinate in that concoction for two hours. So I moved. Immediately.

I did however hear a funny story this weekend, and of course I’ll share.

Like all of us, a friend of mine grew up with middle class parents who were constantly on a budget. There was not money to buy gifts throughout the year, so gifts came twice a year. Once on his birthday, and once at Christmas. He really, really wanted a remote control car. He begged and begged and finally got it for his birthday. The toy came complete with a pair of batteries. Perfect. Only not. He exhausted the batteries in about seven hours and was told he would get more batteries for Christmas. So that car sat on his dresser for months…awaiting new batteries.
It was no surprise that for Christmas that year, there was only one gift under the tree for him. He knew what he was, and was excited to get it. What he didn’t know, was it was not just batteries, but a battery charger as well. With this new gift he would never have to worry about buying new batteries again.

Christmas eve, his family goes to visit with his grandparents. While they are gone, there house burns down. The Christmas gifts were safe, but his remote control car melted to his dresser.

Moral of the story…Don’t visit old people.

Stop me if you've heard it

(Original Post: January 11, 2006 - Wednesday)

Let me tell you why I love being single. Today I came home early, cleaned out my car, got home in time to catch the cleaners finishing up the house, went upstairs to take a nap, woke up around 5:30 pm, had dinner with My friend, and then we decided to go see a movie. We went in sweats and tennis shoes. Which by the way, why are they called Tennis shoes? Were there just hundreds of tennis players shoeless at some point, and someone said, you know what would make money ... Shoes for people who play tennis.
Anyway, no makeup, no fancy clothes, no worries. Just My friend and I, large popcorn, a large DIET soda, licorice and chocolate crunchies. We were going to get Gummy Stars, but we didn't want to be OTT. (Over the Top)
We saw Brokeback Mountain. For those who know nothing about this movie, let me say this ... I don't want to ruin it but, two guys have sex, cheat on their wives, fall in love, and someone in the movie dies. All the makings of a traditional tear jerker. Not to mention some guy gets dragged through town by his wanker. Don't worry, they stop dragging him once the thing actually falls off. (You don't actually see this, but the visual isn't hard.) It's The only Thing that isn't hard in this movie.
All joking aside. I cried several times. This movie really fucked me up. It's amazing and awesome. Love I guess, is the amazing and awesome thing. And the fact that even if it's just in a movie, you can catch a glimpse of it and somehow believe it actually exists. Although it seems I've only ever truly seen it on the big screen. Heath Ledger and Jake Gillenhaul (sp?) are just great actors. Funny how Heath also has a movie out right now called Casanova. As if he told his agent. Yeah, I'll do the gay mountain thing, but seriously, I also need you to release a movie where I fuck a lot of girls.
It was just so sad and honest and emotional and real and they don't know whether to fight or kiss or cry or laugh. And I have a feeling that complete and total feeling of confusion and lust and jealousy and chaos, is exactly what love is really like.
Now let me tell you why I hate being single, and stop me if you've heard it: I WANT TO BE IN LOVE. I want to be in love like two men on Brokeback mountain. I want to beat the shit out of someone, just to keep the bloody shirt in my closet as a total reminder of this crazy ass love. I'm going to buy this movie when it comes out of the closet.
Also, side note. It's 11:30 pm, I'm watching law and order and blogging. Awe yes, being single just rocks. Maybe some random guy named allthatshewants69 will send me a message about how he's tired of all the games and thinks we have a lot in common. Like we both have an S in our screen name or some bullshit. Wish me luck!

Tis the season bitches

(Original Post: December 18, 2005 - Sunday)

Note to world: Please stay home on Monday so I can fucking get some shopping done. My goodness, the Mall is a fucking mad house and I had to pay money for a parking spot. AKA Valet. At all Mall! Any little way they can get a dime.
I saw King Kong. Every scene was five minutes too long. King Kong saves the girl from not one, not two, not three, but four dinosoars. The crazy thing is those beasts tried to get that dumb white girl for like 30 minutes of this movie. They would not let it go. Let me tell you something, if I want a mcnugget, and some guy is kicking the fuck out of my face, not to mention that I just watched him rip my buddies jaws apart, I'm probably going to just skip the meal. I mean damn, she was a mcnugget. If your hungry, eat your dead buddy. Yes, I'm serious when I say thirty minutes. I knew you were wondering.
And guess what else. If I love you, and you are chilling on top of the Empire State Building, I'm gonna hang tight on the ground and wait for you to come down. I mean, WTF? She climbs all the way to the top to wave the planes away. Like they are going to say, oh goodness, how silly we are. We thought no one loved this huge BigFoot that is causing death and destruction all over New York. But this little mcnugget loves him, so let's just leave them be, shall we. People still aren't comfortable with man on man love and we want them to accept BigFoot and mcnugget love? Not going to happen. Specially in a time where apples cost a nickel. I know you feel me. I don't even have to ask.
I went to the club on Saturday. TPCC. Trailer Park Cancun Cantina. TPCC was rocking though. I had a blastie. Drinks were too strong. Way too strong. I had two drinks and I couldn't remember my name or my original hair color. I saw a girl in a one piece jean pant suit. It fit her like a body condom.
Today I went to the mall to pick up some last minute gifts. If you get a gift from me this year and it looks like I put zero to no thought in it at all, it's not because the good intentions weren't there. It's because the season makes it impossible to give a shit about anything. You can't walk through the mall without getting raped by a lotion lady or a head massage vendor. My credit card just got passed around a bit and then when I left the mall I had some bags full of shit. The end. I can not even pretend to know what happen in between those two events. And if you did not get a gift at all, let me know. I have a hundred random items that I bought for the 'in case I forgot your ass' pile. It will probably be lotion or a head massager, and I'll toss one your way. Or if you want to wait till after Christmas, I'm sure there will be plenty 'somebody forgot my ass' gifts thrown my way. You can choose one of those.
Tis the Season bitches.