My identity has been stolen twice this month. Not only am I spending money I don't have, but other people are wanting to spend money I don't have. Luckily, and not quite sure how, but both banks caught it and cancelled my cards. Pretty incredible. But how did they know? I mean, I was spending hundreds of dollars on bullshit that was both ridiculous and unnecessary, so how did they decide that the last few charges of ridiculous and unnecessary weren't indeed mine? Was someone in the back room watching the charges come through and thinking to themselves ... Plastic surgery? Yep, that's her. Olive Garden? Definitely. 300 in bath and body products? Of course. Random bullshit she can't afford? uh huh. Other random bullshit she can't afford. FUCK NO THAT'S NOT HER! CANCEL THAT CARD!
Whatever the case, I'm thankful. Back in the day people were just fucked. That money was just gone and you were stuck paying thousands of dollars for stuff you'll never see, instead of just paying thousands of dollars for stuff that you can't remember seeing. Now identity theft is so common that they have learned to spot it immediately...that is both sad and such a relief all at the same time.
Now I'm going to start doing something I haven't done in ages. Something completely out of character for me. Something I'm not even sure I know how to manage anymore. I'm going to start paying for things in cash! At least then if someone robs me of it, I know it. It's a physical thing and not a virtual thing. Although physical things, though you can see them and you know they are happening, can sometimes end with you losing your life and never know what's happening ever again. So that's not good.
Damn it...whoever said money is the root of all evil was so fucking right. Everything always comes back to money. How much you have. How much you don't have. and how much you want what others have. What if we just went back to simple trading. But what would I trade if not money? I don't cook? I burned a ton of rice crispy treats over the holiday break. I don't sew or do anything like useful like that. I could give out short stories? I could be a jester? I could entertain. Oh good lord, I don't like the road this is going down. Seems the road wouldn't be the only thing having to go down if we resorted to this bartering system again. So cash it is. Honest work and cash.
I'm protecting my identity here people. Although, these days, I'm not even really sure who I am anymore.
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Currently Chasing: Youth (or wait, nevermind)
Oh yes, it is that time. Monday is my Birthday. 35 years. Holy Moly man, are you serious? And there are all these things around me. Like the new Footloose movie. And the not so new Karate Kid movie. And my daughter still isn’t totally sure who Madonna is, even though Madonna was Lady GaGa even before Lady Ga Ga knew she was a lady!
And I went to a New Kids on the Block concert a couple of months ago and they were more like Old Spices on the Rack. And there are new wrinkles, and more creases, and phones talk to you.
And Kelly Clarkson won American Idol 10 years ago!
I’m reflecting. And sometimes that is scary…and I started to freak out..but then I remembered some things.
1. I can drive (Kind of)
2. I can pay my own bills (Kind of)
3. I can vote (Although I never have)
4. I am no longer judged for what I wear or what shoes I have on (that’s a lie)
5. I am a mother (I use that term loosely)
6. I no longer struggle with my weight and have accepted my body (haha! What a crock of shit)
7. I own my home (the bank owns it and I pay mortgage, which is a fancy way of saying rent)
8. I am perfectly fine being alone (as long as someone is with me)
9. I have savings (thank god I’m not allowed to touch it without severe tax implications)
10. My glass is always half full (except when it’s totally empty)
After looking at that list, it turns out I’m not so old after all. Still so immature, still flirty with teenage waiters, still text-fighting, still sexting, still a huge gossip, still using the empty-threat method to get my daughter to do what she’s supposed to do, still bribing her with staying up late if she’ll rub my feet, still buying things I don’t need and can’t afford and still making terrible decisions that could ruin the next 35 years of my life.
THANK GOD. The year is the only thing that changes.
I’ve heard my friends try on clothes and say – “I haven’t fit in to this since high school!”
If I fit in to something I wore in high school, please shoot me! Because this is what I looked like in high school:
 |
| Are you fucking kidding me with this starter jacket? Did I know nothing about slimming effects back then? Still can't find me? I'm the one on the left. How could you possibly fucking miss me! |
And this is me now:
 |
| With less friends, but I've finally got the hang of camera angles! |
At this point I do not feel in danger of growing up. And that's when you know you're a grown up.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Currently Chasing: A Trip Back To Buffalo
Family is an odd thing. You don’t get to pick em, but for some reason you are required to deal with them, make excuses for them and comfort them in their time of need. You have to make yourself available for these people simply because two people who came out of the same womb, each had a couple of people, who had a couple of people and all of a sudden you’re on the hook for giving a shit about 20 some-odd people who you possibly never met, could care less about, and wouldn’t even recognize in photographs. But that’s how it is, and damn it, the more of these bitches you have around, the less likely you are to end up homeless…so play nice!
This weekend while in Buffalo, N.Y., I met a whole new mess of people that I can add to my list of family. And to tell you the truth, if I could have, I would have picked each and every one of them. Well almost. There’s always one.
My point is I thought the million or so family members I have in California completed the package for me. I thought I knew everything I could possibly know about myself. And then Bam! I meet a group of people who make me understand who I am all the more. They have my laugh, my walk…and wouldn’t you know it, they have my fucking fingers even! And now they have my heart.
I’m on the hook for them and I don’t mind a bit. I’m going to make all the excuses necessary and hide a body or two if it’s required. I spent 1.5 days with this group of misfits and to tell you the truth, it felt like no less than a lifetime. I soaked it in. I also soaked in a bottle of Baileys! And along the way I started to remember the real reason families get together during the holidays. Family is really all accidental, due to unprotected sex and bad decisions, (just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels...FUCK I'M PREGNANT...another damn cousin) but in the end, it's a group of people who will encourage you to drink too much and sleep with people you probably shouldn't even stand with. And that's what Christmas is all about.
So just call me a Buffalo Soldier! I've even stopped wearing a jacket no matter how cold it gets. That's how New Yorkers dos it. And yous guys know it.
This weekend while in Buffalo, N.Y., I met a whole new mess of people that I can add to my list of family. And to tell you the truth, if I could have, I would have picked each and every one of them. Well almost. There’s always one.
My point is I thought the million or so family members I have in California completed the package for me. I thought I knew everything I could possibly know about myself. And then Bam! I meet a group of people who make me understand who I am all the more. They have my laugh, my walk…and wouldn’t you know it, they have my fucking fingers even! And now they have my heart.
I’m on the hook for them and I don’t mind a bit. I’m going to make all the excuses necessary and hide a body or two if it’s required. I spent 1.5 days with this group of misfits and to tell you the truth, it felt like no less than a lifetime. I soaked it in. I also soaked in a bottle of Baileys! And along the way I started to remember the real reason families get together during the holidays. Family is really all accidental, due to unprotected sex and bad decisions, (just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels...FUCK I'M PREGNANT...another damn cousin) but in the end, it's a group of people who will encourage you to drink too much and sleep with people you probably shouldn't even stand with. And that's what Christmas is all about.
So just call me a Buffalo Soldier! I've even stopped wearing a jacket no matter how cold it gets. That's how New Yorkers dos it. And yous guys know it.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Putting the new back in New Year
Today I ate a half box of Dots. 450. I topped it off with some milk duds and rounded out the evening with a blooming onion from Outback. I feel like I'm going to puke on a Nike. Seriously. 
The guy at Outback must have slipped me a 'roofie' because I feel totally exhausted, and even a little raped. I don't know what that means. He called me sweetheart. Maybe he considered that four-play. And is that even how that is spelled? Or is it for-play? or is it one word no hyphen. It's not really modifying anything right? My point is, it's the end of another year and I feel like I haven't moved a bit. I'm still eating more and working out less. I'm still biting the inside of my mouth. I'm still falling in love outside my zip code. I'm still plucking my eye brows too thin. I'm still renting. I'm still leasing. I found out I've been extended at the school house until June. I went home for Christmas to find my family sitting around the same table, in the same house, talking about the same things. I will go back to Maryland to the same routine, only now I need to remember to write 7 instead of 6. There is no New in the New Year. And I guess I'm just wondering where it went. I find myself still insecure about the same things. Still scared of the same shit. Still unable to be confrontational. Still ashamed to re-read my own journal. Still haunted by mistakes I've made. Still in the constant pursuit of happiness. Still relying on someone else to pay it forward. Still doubting myself. Still questioning my worth in someone else's eyes. Still pretending like I've got it all figured out. Still looking for drama, even when none exists. Still hoping I don't look 30. Still wanting other people to validate me. Still wanting what I don't have, and hating what I thought I wanted. Still wondering what she means to him. So my New Years Resolution this year is simple. I'm going to be New. And I don't mean new hair and new car. Although, new hair isn't totally out of the question. I mean, New outlook and new attitude. I'm going to stop being so scared of bugs. I'm going to stop pushing so hard for love. I'm going to stop expecting him to complete me. I'm going to validate myself. I'm going to believe in me. I'm going to eat less and work out more. And not to be thin, but to be healthy. And I'm going to open up my journal and re-read my life. Figure myself out. I'm going to stop making all the effort. I'm going to stop saying I love you first. I'm going to start appreciating myself, and seeing the me that others see. And I'm going to chill on the Dots. I'm going to start doing less Dane, and more Me. I'm going to love my daughter with the same energy I love my boyfriend. I'm going to dress up more. I'm going to write letters. I'm going to talk less and act more. I'm going to accept the mystery globe as a gift from God. He wasn't trying to give me the world, he was just letting me know that I could take it off my shoulders.
The guy at Outback must have slipped me a 'roofie' because I feel totally exhausted, and even a little raped. I don't know what that means. He called me sweetheart. Maybe he considered that four-play. And is that even how that is spelled? Or is it for-play? or is it one word no hyphen. It's not really modifying anything right? My point is, it's the end of another year and I feel like I haven't moved a bit. I'm still eating more and working out less. I'm still biting the inside of my mouth. I'm still falling in love outside my zip code. I'm still plucking my eye brows too thin. I'm still renting. I'm still leasing. I found out I've been extended at the school house until June. I went home for Christmas to find my family sitting around the same table, in the same house, talking about the same things. I will go back to Maryland to the same routine, only now I need to remember to write 7 instead of 6. There is no New in the New Year. And I guess I'm just wondering where it went. I find myself still insecure about the same things. Still scared of the same shit. Still unable to be confrontational. Still ashamed to re-read my own journal. Still haunted by mistakes I've made. Still in the constant pursuit of happiness. Still relying on someone else to pay it forward. Still doubting myself. Still questioning my worth in someone else's eyes. Still pretending like I've got it all figured out. Still looking for drama, even when none exists. Still hoping I don't look 30. Still wanting other people to validate me. Still wanting what I don't have, and hating what I thought I wanted. Still wondering what she means to him. So my New Years Resolution this year is simple. I'm going to be New. And I don't mean new hair and new car. Although, new hair isn't totally out of the question. I mean, New outlook and new attitude. I'm going to stop being so scared of bugs. I'm going to stop pushing so hard for love. I'm going to stop expecting him to complete me. I'm going to validate myself. I'm going to believe in me. I'm going to eat less and work out more. And not to be thin, but to be healthy. And I'm going to open up my journal and re-read my life. Figure myself out. I'm going to stop making all the effort. I'm going to stop saying I love you first. I'm going to start appreciating myself, and seeing the me that others see. And I'm going to chill on the Dots. I'm going to start doing less Dane, and more Me. I'm going to love my daughter with the same energy I love my boyfriend. I'm going to dress up more. I'm going to write letters. I'm going to talk less and act more. I'm going to accept the mystery globe as a gift from God. He wasn't trying to give me the world, he was just letting me know that I could take it off my shoulders.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Happy Birthday Jeezus
Last night was the work Christmas party.
Or as not to offend anyone, the holiday party. Upon arrival I had a drink. And another. There is one thing about alcohol that I love. It makes my jokes super funny.
And the cool thing is, everyone can hear every single joke I make because for some reason I seem to talk super loud. My friend Mike looked Amazing. I said, damn Mike, you look good. He said, it's thanks to his wife. So I said, wow, these "wives" as people call them, seem to be pretty damn cool. Where can I get myself one of those. He said Columbia.
My other friend Mike was there with his girlfriend. Although everyone thinks she is his wife. Not because he has ever said he is married, and not because either one of them wear a ring (because they don't) but just because this day in age everyone is trying to get away from everyone else, so the idea of two people living together just because they want to, even though they have a choice not to, just doesn't make any sense. So all night people kept introducing them as Mike and his wife. So finally, I point out the fact that they are not married.
I tell them about a guy friend of mine who always wore a wedding ring so everyone would assume he was married. Even though he wasn't. He would even refer to his girlfriend as his wife. He was the first man I had ever met who pretended he WAS married. Most of the time when you are out with a couple, (and especially if the woman is wearing a diamond or any type of fancy ring on her finger) you assume they are married. So when someone asks, oh, you are married? Mr. Boyfriend is sure to jump in with, "um, nope, she bought that ring herself. She wears it on that finger to make me crazy. She's a cockblocker. I was going to break up with her tonight actually. Are you free? Seriously, I'm basically super single." (The cool part is, his girlfriend with the ring is usually like a hundred weeks pregnant. So she feels super hero stupid.)
But nope, usually no one is breaking down doors to announce they are married, specially when they're not.I told Mike he may as well just marry his girl. I said, "don't break up. Don't fucking do it. there's nothing else out there. No greener grass. Seriously, I’m currently just looking for someone who doesn't molest kids. It's gotten that bad." Mike assured me he does not molest kids. Hence, he'd make an awesome husband.
It was at that point that my friends suggested I stop speaking to people. I came out of the bathroom and saw a couple drinks at the bar. I said, mmm, those look tasty, what's in that? The deputy commandant said, "Pepsi." I said, oh! I guess I'll take a Pepsi ... Plus! He asked me if I had one of the pocket breathalyzer tests they were handing out at the party. (Where were my friends for that exchange?)I went back inside and it was time to eat. When I got to the line there were so many plates. They were stacked to the Heavens. I said to the guy next to me. Look at all the plates. There is one for everyone. Again ... can I get some friends? I got salad and accidentally allowed it to touch the guy in front of me. He had a nice dip of ceaser dressing on his sleeve. I tried to wipe it off without him noticing. He noticed. I guess I was trying to wipe if off with another part of his jacket.
I got some stuffing, although I had to cut it with a knife. Don't even ask, 'cause I can't answer. It was good though. I stuck the table decorations in my hair at the exact moment the Commandant came up to introduce me to his wife. (What friends?)I did the chicken noodle soup dance. With a soda on the side. I threw up in my mouth. I had to eat a piece of cake to get rid of the taste. I washed the cake down with Madori. I took out my pocket breathalyzer. If it turns blue, it means you are over the legal limit.At some point we all played musical chairs. It's fun. You send up a rep from your table. They announce an item each rep needs to get and the rep runs out to get it. One chair is taken away while they're gone. The point is to get back to a chair. Our rep made it into the top 3. They announced to the reps they needed to find something blue. I threw my breathalizer.It was as Blue as could be.
Or as not to offend anyone, the holiday party. Upon arrival I had a drink. And another. There is one thing about alcohol that I love. It makes my jokes super funny.
And the cool thing is, everyone can hear every single joke I make because for some reason I seem to talk super loud. My friend Mike looked Amazing. I said, damn Mike, you look good. He said, it's thanks to his wife. So I said, wow, these "wives" as people call them, seem to be pretty damn cool. Where can I get myself one of those. He said Columbia.
My other friend Mike was there with his girlfriend. Although everyone thinks she is his wife. Not because he has ever said he is married, and not because either one of them wear a ring (because they don't) but just because this day in age everyone is trying to get away from everyone else, so the idea of two people living together just because they want to, even though they have a choice not to, just doesn't make any sense. So all night people kept introducing them as Mike and his wife. So finally, I point out the fact that they are not married.
I tell them about a guy friend of mine who always wore a wedding ring so everyone would assume he was married. Even though he wasn't. He would even refer to his girlfriend as his wife. He was the first man I had ever met who pretended he WAS married. Most of the time when you are out with a couple, (and especially if the woman is wearing a diamond or any type of fancy ring on her finger) you assume they are married. So when someone asks, oh, you are married? Mr. Boyfriend is sure to jump in with, "um, nope, she bought that ring herself. She wears it on that finger to make me crazy. She's a cockblocker. I was going to break up with her tonight actually. Are you free? Seriously, I'm basically super single." (The cool part is, his girlfriend with the ring is usually like a hundred weeks pregnant. So she feels super hero stupid.)
But nope, usually no one is breaking down doors to announce they are married, specially when they're not.I told Mike he may as well just marry his girl. I said, "don't break up. Don't fucking do it. there's nothing else out there. No greener grass. Seriously, I’m currently just looking for someone who doesn't molest kids. It's gotten that bad." Mike assured me he does not molest kids. Hence, he'd make an awesome husband.
It was at that point that my friends suggested I stop speaking to people. I came out of the bathroom and saw a couple drinks at the bar. I said, mmm, those look tasty, what's in that? The deputy commandant said, "Pepsi." I said, oh! I guess I'll take a Pepsi ... Plus! He asked me if I had one of the pocket breathalyzer tests they were handing out at the party. (Where were my friends for that exchange?)I went back inside and it was time to eat. When I got to the line there were so many plates. They were stacked to the Heavens. I said to the guy next to me. Look at all the plates. There is one for everyone. Again ... can I get some friends? I got salad and accidentally allowed it to touch the guy in front of me. He had a nice dip of ceaser dressing on his sleeve. I tried to wipe it off without him noticing. He noticed. I guess I was trying to wipe if off with another part of his jacket.
I got some stuffing, although I had to cut it with a knife. Don't even ask, 'cause I can't answer. It was good though. I stuck the table decorations in my hair at the exact moment the Commandant came up to introduce me to his wife. (What friends?)I did the chicken noodle soup dance. With a soda on the side. I threw up in my mouth. I had to eat a piece of cake to get rid of the taste. I washed the cake down with Madori. I took out my pocket breathalyzer. If it turns blue, it means you are over the legal limit.At some point we all played musical chairs. It's fun. You send up a rep from your table. They announce an item each rep needs to get and the rep runs out to get it. One chair is taken away while they're gone. The point is to get back to a chair. Our rep made it into the top 3. They announced to the reps they needed to find something blue. I threw my breathalizer.It was as Blue as could be.
Twenty-ten and the mystery globe
(Original Post: November 7, 2006 - Tuesday)
So today is the day. Thirty years ago today I was hatched. I mean, if you want to get super technical, I actually turned 30 nine months ago. How come that time in the womb doesn't count for anything?
Gift cards are all the rage these days.
I've received a gift card to Victorias Secret, Golden Corral, Target and Hair experts! I will soon be a new underwear having, new hair color sporting, new jeans wearing chick who is slightly heavier. All because my mom and dad had unprotected sex when they were 19.I got flowers in the mail today and my students sang happy birthday. They all signed a card and wished me well. Truly concerned. I also received a Globe. I do not know who sent the globe. It is however, beautiful. I mean, it stands out and I would like to thank whoever got it for me. But no one has come forward to claim it. So if it is you dear reader, well thank you. Although yesterday I was lost looking for Outback, and the globe was pretty much useless. How about some GPS next year huh? Just install it in my car when I'm not looking, since it seems to turn you on to give gifts and get no credit.
As for tonight, it's Tuesday. I'm not living it up or partying down. I'm not painting the town or even touring it. I am watching some TV and then calling it a night. I'm tired and I have the bi-annual physical readiness test tomorrow. The bad news is I have to wake up early. The good news is I'm 30 and 11 push-ups is passing when you're 30. If I can pump out 17 the Navy will think I'm a super stud. So will I to be honest.But after the glow of the new PRT numbers fade, well, it'll just be Wednesday. And I'll just be in my 30s. Twenty-ten. A lot has to happen this year.1. I have to buy a house.2. I have to clean up my credit. (probably not in that order)3. I have to find out who sent that fucking mystery globe.
So today is the day. Thirty years ago today I was hatched. I mean, if you want to get super technical, I actually turned 30 nine months ago. How come that time in the womb doesn't count for anything?
Gift cards are all the rage these days.
I've received a gift card to Victorias Secret, Golden Corral, Target and Hair experts! I will soon be a new underwear having, new hair color sporting, new jeans wearing chick who is slightly heavier. All because my mom and dad had unprotected sex when they were 19.I got flowers in the mail today and my students sang happy birthday. They all signed a card and wished me well. Truly concerned. I also received a Globe. I do not know who sent the globe. It is however, beautiful. I mean, it stands out and I would like to thank whoever got it for me. But no one has come forward to claim it. So if it is you dear reader, well thank you. Although yesterday I was lost looking for Outback, and the globe was pretty much useless. How about some GPS next year huh? Just install it in my car when I'm not looking, since it seems to turn you on to give gifts and get no credit.
As for tonight, it's Tuesday. I'm not living it up or partying down. I'm not painting the town or even touring it. I am watching some TV and then calling it a night. I'm tired and I have the bi-annual physical readiness test tomorrow. The bad news is I have to wake up early. The good news is I'm 30 and 11 push-ups is passing when you're 30. If I can pump out 17 the Navy will think I'm a super stud. So will I to be honest.But after the glow of the new PRT numbers fade, well, it'll just be Wednesday. And I'll just be in my 30s. Twenty-ten. A lot has to happen this year.1. I have to buy a house.2. I have to clean up my credit. (probably not in that order)3. I have to find out who sent that fucking mystery globe.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
It's just Tuesday Damn it.
(Original Post: February 13, 2006 - Monday)
It's 10 p.m. Two hours until Valentines Day. V-day. Very stupid holiday day. This day is only in place to rip people off. Everything is a tad bit more expensive around V day. I had to buy 35 valentine cards for my daughter's class.
W
hat the hell is that about? You are not supposed to have that many valentines. Just one. But you don't want anyone in the class to feel left out, so they make you buy a valentine for every booger brat in the class. Why isn't real life like that anymore? If you are going to send flowers to your wife at work, you better make sure there is a rose in there for me. I may feel left out, so if you are buying candy kisses and teddy bears I better get one. Life would be so much easier if we all went back to a day care way of life. We will have a big party where we all bring something, and we will all exchange valentines. And yeah, they won't mean as much because they will just be mass produced and have a lame to and from block filled out in a rush, but who gives a shit. I don't even care if it's filled out to me. Just give me my damn message hearts and we will call it a holiday. Speaking of message hearts ... Don't you think by now they would have found a way to make those things legible? Half of them are printed on the side or so light you can't even read them. And the ones you can read say stupid shit like, give me a high five. What the crappy bullshit is that? Or, hello. I most likely said hello to you when I gave you the box of message hearts. Let's not be so redundant next time. Why not a heart that says, I'm a fucking retard. Or is that pretty much a given. How about one that says, I'm just not that into you. Or sorry I never called. Let's get fucking honest with these bullshit message hearts. I personally am trying my best not to give a shit about the day. A friend of mine always wonders why people get so wrapped up around holidays. Why can't it just be Tuesday? Tuesday is pretty special all by itself. It doesn't need any help. I do have a Valentine in mind though. Not like it matters. I never get my wishes. They fall on deaf fountains and forgetful wells. But one day it's going to happen for me. A friend told me today that I light up rooms when I enter them. Give me that on a message heart. That is definitely a start.
It's 10 p.m. Two hours until Valentines Day. V-day. Very stupid holiday day. This day is only in place to rip people off. Everything is a tad bit more expensive around V day. I had to buy 35 valentine cards for my daughter's class.
W
hat the hell is that about? You are not supposed to have that many valentines. Just one. But you don't want anyone in the class to feel left out, so they make you buy a valentine for every booger brat in the class. Why isn't real life like that anymore? If you are going to send flowers to your wife at work, you better make sure there is a rose in there for me. I may feel left out, so if you are buying candy kisses and teddy bears I better get one. Life would be so much easier if we all went back to a day care way of life. We will have a big party where we all bring something, and we will all exchange valentines. And yeah, they won't mean as much because they will just be mass produced and have a lame to and from block filled out in a rush, but who gives a shit. I don't even care if it's filled out to me. Just give me my damn message hearts and we will call it a holiday. Speaking of message hearts ... Don't you think by now they would have found a way to make those things legible? Half of them are printed on the side or so light you can't even read them. And the ones you can read say stupid shit like, give me a high five. What the crappy bullshit is that? Or, hello. I most likely said hello to you when I gave you the box of message hearts. Let's not be so redundant next time. Why not a heart that says, I'm a fucking retard. Or is that pretty much a given. How about one that says, I'm just not that into you. Or sorry I never called. Let's get fucking honest with these bullshit message hearts. I personally am trying my best not to give a shit about the day. A friend of mine always wonders why people get so wrapped up around holidays. Why can't it just be Tuesday? Tuesday is pretty special all by itself. It doesn't need any help. I do have a Valentine in mind though. Not like it matters. I never get my wishes. They fall on deaf fountains and forgetful wells. But one day it's going to happen for me. A friend told me today that I light up rooms when I enter them. Give me that on a message heart. That is definitely a start.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hump Day Hope Note
(Original Post: December 21, 2005 - Wednesday)
Wednesday. Get it? Hump Day? It's also the day they refer to as 'back in the day.' A fun fact for you, in case you weren't aware. Back in the day was indeed a Wednesday. No need to thank me.
Christmas is around the corner. I have finished shopping. Now when I say I have finished shopping, please know that I do not by any means mean I have completed purchasing items for those in my life who mean the most. On the contrary, there are still people that I love and adore who have yet to get that little slice of gift wrapped heaven from me. However, I can no longer participate in the season of treason. I cannot go back into a mall. I cannot suffer through another 50 percent off sale. I can not make out another Christmas card. I just can't.
Marcia, if you are reading this, sweetie, I love you, and I will get you a gift. But let me buy it in California after the stench of Christmas wears the fuck off. I love you. If I wasn't me, I'd be you. And you know this.
I went to the exchange to pick up some Cologne for a friend's hubby and it was sold out. Only this one particular scent. A sane person would have just grabbed some Aspen and called it a day. But no. I braved Arundel Mills Hell one last time. I got the Cologne. One last minute gift for My daughter. Two last minute pairs of Sketchers for me, and high tailed it out of there. Not to return until next year. The post office is Satan's Asshole. I spent a good week or two in there trying to mail off a fucking package of DVD's that some guy I used to date reminded me that I had. WTF? A guy I dated still has my fucking CD and you don't see me pounding down his door for it. But whatever, it was quite a few movies and they were good freakin movies. The CD I left at my ex's is a CD given to me by the DVD guy anyway, so I should be glad I don't have it sitting around as a reminder of all my fucking failed relationships. And done.
So yeah. Happy fucking hope note day. I am going to California for two weeks. That is going to be a welcome break. Although sometimes leave is more work than work. I'm going to try and visit friends and family and actually spend quality time with that whole part of my life. But then there are those people I don't want to see. The people my mother already made aware of my pending arrival. They have contacted me and done the "We should do lunch" bullshit email thing. I'm like, yes, of course. That sounds awesome, amazing, uh huh. Yeah, Lunch. Great. Catch up. Kids. Navy. Uh huh. Married? No. Don't be sorry. Uh huh. Oh my mom told you. Uh huh. Bitch. uh huh. No, what is it? 619 area code? Ok, got it. bye now.
Knowing damn well they won't see me. I won't call. But you know what Dane says. Take every opportunity to lie. Thanks Dane.
Wednesday. Get it? Hump Day? It's also the day they refer to as 'back in the day.' A fun fact for you, in case you weren't aware. Back in the day was indeed a Wednesday. No need to thank me.
Christmas is around the corner. I have finished shopping. Now when I say I have finished shopping, please know that I do not by any means mean I have completed purchasing items for those in my life who mean the most. On the contrary, there are still people that I love and adore who have yet to get that little slice of gift wrapped heaven from me. However, I can no longer participate in the season of treason. I cannot go back into a mall. I cannot suffer through another 50 percent off sale. I can not make out another Christmas card. I just can't.
Marcia, if you are reading this, sweetie, I love you, and I will get you a gift. But let me buy it in California after the stench of Christmas wears the fuck off. I love you. If I wasn't me, I'd be you. And you know this.
I went to the exchange to pick up some Cologne for a friend's hubby and it was sold out. Only this one particular scent. A sane person would have just grabbed some Aspen and called it a day. But no. I braved Arundel Mills Hell one last time. I got the Cologne. One last minute gift for My daughter. Two last minute pairs of Sketchers for me, and high tailed it out of there. Not to return until next year. The post office is Satan's Asshole. I spent a good week or two in there trying to mail off a fucking package of DVD's that some guy I used to date reminded me that I had. WTF? A guy I dated still has my fucking CD and you don't see me pounding down his door for it. But whatever, it was quite a few movies and they were good freakin movies. The CD I left at my ex's is a CD given to me by the DVD guy anyway, so I should be glad I don't have it sitting around as a reminder of all my fucking failed relationships. And done.
So yeah. Happy fucking hope note day. I am going to California for two weeks. That is going to be a welcome break. Although sometimes leave is more work than work. I'm going to try and visit friends and family and actually spend quality time with that whole part of my life. But then there are those people I don't want to see. The people my mother already made aware of my pending arrival. They have contacted me and done the "We should do lunch" bullshit email thing. I'm like, yes, of course. That sounds awesome, amazing, uh huh. Yeah, Lunch. Great. Catch up. Kids. Navy. Uh huh. Married? No. Don't be sorry. Uh huh. Oh my mom told you. Uh huh. Bitch. uh huh. No, what is it? 619 area code? Ok, got it. bye now.
Knowing damn well they won't see me. I won't call. But you know what Dane says. Take every opportunity to lie. Thanks Dane.
Tis the season bitches
(Original Post: December 18, 2005 - Sunday)
Note to world: Please stay home on Monday so I can fucking get some shopping done. My goodness, the Mall is a fucking mad house and I had to pay money for a parking spot. AKA Valet. At all Mall! Any little way they can get a dime.
I saw King Kong. Every scene was five minutes too long. King Kong saves the girl from not one, not two, not three, but four dinosoars. The crazy thing is those beasts tried to get that dumb white girl for like 30 minutes of this movie. They would not let it go. Let me tell you something, if I want a mcnugget, and some guy is kicking the fuck out of my face, not to mention that I just watched him rip my buddies jaws apart, I'm probably going to just skip the meal. I mean damn, she was a mcnugget. If your hungry, eat your dead buddy. Yes, I'm serious when I say thirty minutes. I knew you were wondering.
And guess what else. If I love you, and you are chilling on top of the Empire State Building, I'm gonna hang tight on the ground and wait for you to come down. I mean, WTF? She climbs all the way to the top to wave the planes away. Like they are going to say, oh goodness, how silly we are. We thought no one loved this huge BigFoot that is causing death and destruction all over New York. But this little mcnugget loves him, so let's just leave them be, shall we. People still aren't comfortable with man on man love and we want them to accept BigFoot and mcnugget love? Not going to happen. Specially in a time where apples cost a nickel. I know you feel me. I don't even have to ask.
I went to the club on Saturday. TPCC. Trailer Park Cancun Cantina. TPCC was rocking though. I had a blastie. Drinks were too strong. Way too strong. I had two drinks and I couldn't remember my name or my original hair color. I saw a girl in a one piece jean pant suit. It fit her like a body condom.
Today I went to the mall to pick up some last minute gifts. If you get a gift from me this year and it looks like I put zero to no thought in it at all, it's not because the good intentions weren't there. It's because the season makes it impossible to give a shit about anything. You can't walk through the mall without getting raped by a lotion lady or a head massage vendor. My credit card just got passed around a bit and then when I left the mall I had some bags full of shit. The end. I can not even pretend to know what happen in between those two events. And if you did not get a gift at all, let me know. I have a hundred random items that I bought for the 'in case I forgot your ass' pile. It will probably be lotion or a head massager, and I'll toss one your way. Or if you want to wait till after Christmas, I'm sure there will be plenty 'somebody forgot my ass' gifts thrown my way. You can choose one of those.
Tis the Season bitches.
Note to world: Please stay home on Monday so I can fucking get some shopping done. My goodness, the Mall is a fucking mad house and I had to pay money for a parking spot. AKA Valet. At all Mall! Any little way they can get a dime.
I saw King Kong. Every scene was five minutes too long. King Kong saves the girl from not one, not two, not three, but four dinosoars. The crazy thing is those beasts tried to get that dumb white girl for like 30 minutes of this movie. They would not let it go. Let me tell you something, if I want a mcnugget, and some guy is kicking the fuck out of my face, not to mention that I just watched him rip my buddies jaws apart, I'm probably going to just skip the meal. I mean damn, she was a mcnugget. If your hungry, eat your dead buddy. Yes, I'm serious when I say thirty minutes. I knew you were wondering.
And guess what else. If I love you, and you are chilling on top of the Empire State Building, I'm gonna hang tight on the ground and wait for you to come down. I mean, WTF? She climbs all the way to the top to wave the planes away. Like they are going to say, oh goodness, how silly we are. We thought no one loved this huge BigFoot that is causing death and destruction all over New York. But this little mcnugget loves him, so let's just leave them be, shall we. People still aren't comfortable with man on man love and we want them to accept BigFoot and mcnugget love? Not going to happen. Specially in a time where apples cost a nickel. I know you feel me. I don't even have to ask.
I went to the club on Saturday. TPCC. Trailer Park Cancun Cantina. TPCC was rocking though. I had a blastie. Drinks were too strong. Way too strong. I had two drinks and I couldn't remember my name or my original hair color. I saw a girl in a one piece jean pant suit. It fit her like a body condom.
Today I went to the mall to pick up some last minute gifts. If you get a gift from me this year and it looks like I put zero to no thought in it at all, it's not because the good intentions weren't there. It's because the season makes it impossible to give a shit about anything. You can't walk through the mall without getting raped by a lotion lady or a head massage vendor. My credit card just got passed around a bit and then when I left the mall I had some bags full of shit. The end. I can not even pretend to know what happen in between those two events. And if you did not get a gift at all, let me know. I have a hundred random items that I bought for the 'in case I forgot your ass' pile. It will probably be lotion or a head massager, and I'll toss one your way. Or if you want to wait till after Christmas, I'm sure there will be plenty 'somebody forgot my ass' gifts thrown my way. You can choose one of those.
Tis the Season bitches.
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