I never wanted to have children. I told my parents I was not
going to have a baby. I told them I was complete enough just with myself and my
career. I killed every animal I ever owned and just never thought it was a good
idea to take my skills to another level.
Then I got pregnant. The thing is, after deciding that you
absolutely aren’t going to do something, the universe reminds you that you are
but a vessel for life to happen through. Literally. I remember the night I got
pregnant. It was a command party right before deployment. My boyfriend and I
had broken up. But for some reason that night we decided to get back together.
For a night. Immediately afterward he tells me that the condom broke. The conversation goes like this:
Me: I’m pregnant.
Him: You can’t possibly know that.
Me: I just know it. I can feel it.
Him: You had too much to drink. You’re talking crazy.
Me: (Crying) IF YOU DON’T WANT TO RAISE THIS BABY, THAT’S
FINE! I’LL DO IT MYSELF.
Him: Um, wow. You just need to get some sleep.
Next Day –
Me: Man, I’m sorry about last night. I kind of remember our
conversation and I am a complete wacko.
Him: Don’t worry about it.
Everyone starts joking. We go to Euro-Disney and my baby’s
daddy buys me a Winnie the Pool Rattle. They tell me I shouldn’t ride rides.
They point out the pregnancy signs. Ha Ha Ha. Joke, Joke, Joke.
That night we stay in a hotel and I send him out for a test.
It’s positive. We are going to have a baby. I call my mother and tell her she’s
going to be a grandmother. She immediately thinks my 15-year-old brother has
gotten someone pregnant. I tell her that I’m pregnant. She’s confused.
Mom: I thought you didn’t want kids.
Me: Um, I guess it’s a little late for that now.
Mom: I’m happy if you’re happy.
Me: You sound worried.
Mom: I’m worried if you’re worried.
Me: I’m fine.
Mom: I’m fine too.
Good talk.
She had reason to be scared. I wrapped a window blind cord
around my brother’s neck when he was 7. My brothers thought the sewage ditch was
a swimming pool and I never bothered to correct them. The cops returned my
brothers to our home on more than one occasion saying they were found on the
train tracks near our house. All the stuff normally happened while I was “baby
sitting.” And did I mention all the dead pets?
I will say that once I got used to the idea of being a
mother, I was ready. And I had been told that although they couldn’t be
positive, they were pretty sure I was having a boy. So I was ready for that.
Ready for a boy. I had taken care of boys in the past (granted, I did a shitty
job…but they were resilient!)
Then it was time to give birth and as my baby was being born
I heard the words…
It’s a girl.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously, the hospital outfit is overalls and a train
conductor hat. This is already a disaster.
Turns out a little girl is exactly what I needed. Someone to
show me all of my shortfalls. To remind me why I need to be a better person. To
tell me to stop texting and driving. To drive me crazy and make me act like my
mother, which reminds me of my mother, and then subsequently makes me happy
that I can remember my mother. I finally appreciate my mother. And I owe that
to my daughter.
Happy Birthday to my darling daughter! She’s 12. Pre-teen. Post-Madonna.
Rolling eyes, attitude galore. Hating chores.
Loving stupid youtube videos. Doesn’t remember a time without internet. Does
not even remember a time when she couldn’t access it on her phone.
But there is one thing that stays the same generation
through generation. A mother’s love.
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