Currently Chasing: A Past That Doesn't Remind Me of a Present

Is it better that someone knows all of your personal secrets or are those better kept to yourself?

Both are shitty options. If they know all, they judge, if they don’t know at all, then they don’t understand. It led me to contemplate blogs, journals and diaries. A friend of mine commented on how impressed he was with the way I could seemingly write heart-on-sleeve blogs. But he has no clue. These blogs are edited. They are re-read and read again. They are scanned through and often read aloud. A lot happens to these blogs before I hit the preview and post button.

There was a time in my life when I was painfully honest. I wrote my life on composition notebooks. I labeled them with dates and locations. My ex husband read through them once and told me I should burn them. Surely they would haunt me if someone broke into my house and stole them. Hell, they haunt me now. The contents. And they leave me wondering. Have I changed?

Typical Journal Entry:

Aug. 12, 1996

Today was a good day. I went to the movies with Drew. Drew is such a great guy. I wish he wasn’t so in love with Beth. She makes me sick. Drew deserves so much better than her. She loves to work out. So what? I tell jokes. Isn’t a good personality better than a good body? Oh yeah, that’s a lie ugly people tell themselves. I love Drew.

Aug. 13, 1996

Stew: A new guy. Totally cute. He’s a Mormon. He’s married. But that shouldn’t matter right? Cause he’s Mormon. I’m going to make him my friend. Drew and Beth went to the movies together. Barf.

Aug. 14, 1996

Stew is so funny. Mike told me he likes Mandy. Why does that make me jealous? I don’t even like Mike. But now I do. I told him I liked him. He asked me why I waited until he was interested in someone else. Well duh? So me and Mike are dating. He’s nice, but a little hairy. Everyone calls him Chewbacca. I think it’s funny.

Aug. 15, 1996

Today Mike found out he’s going to be stationed in Japan. Bad timing right? I told him we should break up. I’m not good with long distance relationships. Stew and I went to the movies tonight. Mike was upset that I didn’t want to spend time with him. I saw Drew and Beth holding hands outside. I guess they are together now. Maybe they should go life weights together since she’s such a guy. Yuck, I hate them together.

Aug. 16, 1996

Ben asked me out today. He’s alright. I told him I would think about it. I need to stop hanging out with Stew. I’m starting to like him too much. Mike doesn’t talk to me much anymore. I guess Mandy is dating someone else and Mike is pissed that he wasted time with me. Whatever. Drew and Beth are probably going to get married. I wonder if he’ll take her last name.

Aug. 17, 1996

I need to go on a diet. I ate four pieces of pizza today. I feel like a pig. Ben said don’t need to lose weight. My friend Shannon said that guys like fat chicks because they are less likely to cheat. My friend Mark said that’s not true because his brother dated a fat girl and she ended up pregnant by someone else. So I’m confused. Should I lose weight to get a guy or gain weight to keep a guy?

Aug. 18, 1996

I’m done with men. Ben was making out with Crystal today. I didn’t see them but Shannon told me. Did he think I wasn’t going to find out? Crystal is such a hooker. I’m going to ask Mike if he wants to go to the movies tomorrow. Hopefully he will get me out of this slump.

Aug. 19, 1996

I should not have asked Mike to the movies. He wanted to hold my hand. Man, doesn’t he realize I just needed a friend. I hate feeling pressured to be intimate. I held his hand. He tried to kiss me in the car. I told him I was getting a cold and it wasn’t a good idea. He said he was sick already so it didn’t matter. I still said no. He was pissed. When we got back Mandy was making out with Carlos. That didn’t help the situation. I’m done with men.

Aug. 20, 1996

Ken checked in today. He is adorable. Tall. Short blond hair. Really quite. I am going to talk to him. I ate too much today. I’m gross. Ben apologized for making out with Crystal. I called him a fuck stick. He said he heard I was in love with Stew. Whatever. Stew is married. I told Ben I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Shannon told me Rick was asking about me. There is no way I would ever be with Rick. He scratches his balls all the time. It is so irritating. Like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. No way. I wonder if Ken has any bad habits? I kissed Drew today. I love him.

*Today* Not much has changed.