Currently Chasing: My Own Space

I flew to Buffalo this weekend. It’s cheap to fly there, it only takes an hour each way, and I’ve got family there. Win/Win/Win.

So I arrive to southwest to get my ticket and they ask if I want to upgrade to section A for $20 bucks. I decide to do it. This guarantees I’ll be one of the first on the plane, which means I’ll have room for my carry on (which I assure you holds no less than four outfits I won’t wear, workout gear I won’t need, three pairs of shoes I can’t walk in and enough accessories for Mr. T to take it up a notch.)

So they call section A and I line up near the front carrying my life in a bag. But when I look around I realize, there is only a section A. There are only 20 people on the whole flight. I paid $20 for nothing! Lose. I vow that I’ll make it up by claiming a seat right in the front. Not near the front, but literally the first seat. I get on the plane, store my shit, and sit down in the comfortable, leg roomy, first seat. And I’m content. Fuck that $20 bucks. Win.

And then it happens. A couple comes in, looks at all of the empty seats and decides to take a seat right next to me. To make matters worse they are having a ‘talk argument’ about how she emasculated him earlier by making him hold her purse.

“No I didn’t,” she said.

“Yes you did,” he said.

“I didn’t think I did,” she said.

“Well you did. But you didn’t know it, because that’s your personality,” he said.

It’s her personality not to know things? Then it got weirder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t look at it like that,” she said.

“Well if someone else looked at it that way would that validate me and invalidate you?”

“Invalidate me?” she asked.

And by then I was asking (to myself as well) what the fuck he was trying to say. I mean, I could tell she was a rock, but he was trying to portray an over-your-head conversation and was making absolutely no sense, and she had called him on it. So he changed the subject, quickly.

“I’m reading this book and it talks about how the primary reason for condom failure is small penis size,” he said.

“I believe that,” she responded. “Probably Asians,” she added.

“Ignorant, but probably not completely inaccurate,” he responded.

And with that racism, they both shut up. Then I begin to hear something more annoying than their voices. A clipping noise. I look over to find her clipping the dead skin from around her fingernails. Twenty five minutes later she is still clipping. Get some lotion bitch! How much dead skin can one person have around their fingernails? And where is that dead skin going…into the air, into my nose! I’m inhaling this broad one clip at a time. At one point she cuts her nail and a clipping shoots right into my cheek. That sharp piece-of-a-bitches hand stung a bit. She says, I’m sorry. I don’t respond.

Her and her man begin to talk fight again. This time they are arguing about how they are not arguing. We land. They are still arguing. But now they are whisper yelling so as not to make a scene.

I see them at baggage claim minutes later. She’s still clipping her nails. And he’s holding her purse. I’m holding my tongue. There’s no way his dick fits a Condom.