Currently Chasing: Unscheduled Pillow Fights

There is a big difference between guys and girls. And it’s not just our junk, I can tell you that. There are several reasons why I envy men. They can stand and pee. I tried that once in a dark port o john and didn’t realize the seat cover was down and I ended up pissing down onto the seat, which led to the piss spilling into my underwear. Very comfortable for my 20-mile walk for breast cancer.

Another reason I envy men is because … they get along. When a man walks into the room, another man does not eye him up and down and immediately text his friend to comment on his ugly belt. They accept each other and they work together. If there are two good looking me in the office, they do not vow to hate each other and compete constantly. Instead the work together and get every girl in the office involved in a three way. Men are team players.

Men have also mastered conflict resolution. When there was a problem in the office recently … it took three non-confrontational women four days to tip toe around the subject and come up with 332 different flow charts, 47 excel spread sheets and 13 power point presentations to address the issue. One man went in to the room said “Knock Knock,” to which the people in the room answered, “Who’s there?” to which he replied, “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” And done. Everyone realized they were acting like pieces of shit. The women stayed pissed for another 12 days and the men went and out and had non-alcoholic beer. And the attractive men probably went out and had threesomes.

*on a side note, what’s the point of non-alcoholic beer. Why bother with the calories and the carbs if you can’t get a buzz and make bad decisions? It’s just not worth it.”

But there are some things I don’t envy.  Recently we were at a function and one of my roommates and I (I have five roommates total) were talking to some of the guys about our living arrangements. One of the guys said, yeah, the other day I walked into the room and tried to be quite and all of sudden I heard, BBBBBBBBBBARRRRRRRRRRRRRmmmffffffFFFFF! It was the loudest fart ever! The guy next to him jumps in and says, oh that’s nothing. The guys in my room snore and then fart. It’s a never ending process of air passage.  Then another guy chimes in and says his roommate throws the light on any ol’ time of night and chats online to his people back home at a normal volume no matter what time it is. Another guy says that it’s the same in his room except his roommate is always chatting to a spouse and they are always arguing at loud levels in Spanish.  (My friend Katie always does Charts, so I’m trying it out as well. Just in case you need a visual.)

Then they look at us and say, what’s it like in your room.

I said, “The other day I knew my roomie wasn’t sleeping well because I could hear her turn over in her bed and tug at her blankets.”

They said, that’s it? I said, “Yeah, but they were fucking loud blankets! I was like, shut the fuck up with those blankets bitch! People are trying to sleep in here.”

They just stared at me.

I said, “seriously, it’s so quiet in our room. No one is farting or snoring . And even if people are online chatting, they will use the keyboard instead of talking…so at most we hear a bit of click, click, click. Or maybe angry typing…clickityclickityCLICKITYFUCKINGCLICKITY.  How do you say Clickity in Spanish? One of the guys responds, “Maybe you girls are just too tired from the unscheduled pillow fights to notice what happens after the lights go out.”

Yeah, that must be it. Either that or we are tired from talking shit about each other all day.