Currently Chasing: A DATE WITH DANE COOK

Recently all kinds of regular people (as regular as Marines can be) are inviting stars out to the Marine Corps Ball. And at first I thought, man this is cool…and then I thought, geez this is fucking getting lame. And then I thought, I need to fucking get on board with this and finally get that date with Dane Cook.

So with the help of my friends I’m launching a full out campaign. We won’t fund raise or anything like that, and there will be no assembly, no meetings, no fucking conference calls…just tons and tons of spam to your facebook and the begs and pleads of me and my friends to Dane.

We are trying to play on his love for his country and for the military. I myself, having just returned from Afghanistan, would love for him to support his country with a small act of kindness. TAKE ME TO THE KHAKI BALL DANE.

It’s simple really. I’ll buy his ticket because that’s how I roll. And I don’t want him expecting anything from me … so better not to ‘owe’ him. Although in all seriousness, I’d owe him big time if he showed up to this event with me. September 23^rd Dane. Mark your calendar.

Truth is I’ve seen him live nine times. NINE! I’ve come to visit him NINE times, the least he could do is show up for me once! I was a fan before he had a six pack and I’ve taught more “Dane Cook Comedy Lessons” than I’ve taught actual journalism lessons. My students can attest to this. They would count the times and ways I would bring up Dane Cook in a day. It was always in the double digits. My nickname was Mrs. Cook on my toilet bowl T-shirt, and I watched all of his movies, THE DAY THEY CAME OUT IN THEATERS. I didn’t wait to rent that shit. I don’t think I would have been able to wait. It was like Christmas the day before a comedy album, a movie or a comedy show featuring Dane was coming. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on tickets and have driven to Boston from Maryland and then back in one day just to say I was there for the HBO filming. It was a big day for Dane and thus a big day for me.

I bought every album and listened to it until I memorized it. And then I would make others listen and I would finish every line of every joke and they would hate me but fuck them, because I was a super fan and I loved Dane. Love Dane. Love.

This is my plea Dane. Go with me to the Khaki Ball. It would mean the world to me. Just say two simple words….

I do. Er, I mean, I’ll go!

A night rich in military tradition with a bunch of salty old chiefs and me! I can assure you, it doesn’t get better! (Well, it probably does get better. Especially in your world. And the only way it could get better for me, is if you’re there.)