Currently Chasing: My Catcher

Last night I decided to do something I’ve never even ever considered doing - Flying on a Trapeze. Seriously, this was not on any bucket list, this was not part of any five-year plan, just totally and completely not on my radar. And then I saw a video on facebook posted by a friend of mine. There she was flying through the air on a Trapeze. And then another video, and then another. Each time she would do something more amazing. So I made a comment on one of the videos, something like, oh man, I should really try this, it looks like such a good workout.

And that opened a can of worms that I wasn’t able to control. Before I knew it she was emailing me registration information and saying how much fun it was going to be and SO EXCITED that I was going to start FLYING.

This same thing happened a few years back when I invited a friend to a pampered chef party and she returned the favor by inviting me to spend three days sleeping in cold tents and walking 60 miles for Breast Cancer. I mean, how do you say um, actually, I don’t have time to help cure Cancer; I’ve got a pedicure scheduled for Friday? You don’t say it. That’s how you say it.

So before I knew it I was registered to fly. On the days leading up to the day, I came up with a hundred different ways to get myself out of it. I didn’t even care about the money I would lose (you pay when you sign up.) It reminded me of the time I decided to go to Philly to get my group fitness certification because it would save me a hundred bucks and then I ended up not wanting to drive all that way by myself, so in actuality I spent $200 and didn’t even bother leaving the house. I’m a genius. And also apparently a member of congress with my awesome budgeting skills coupled with my sheer laziness.

And then before I knew it, it was Tuesday. THE Tuesday. The FLYING Tuesday. And of course I get a facebook post from my friend “Can’t wait to fly with you tonight!” Ugh. The exclamation point. That means she really wants me to go. Fuck.

So the class starts at 8:30 and goes till 10:30. This is PM! So not only do I have to be excited to fly, but I have to stay excited ALL NIGHT and then somehow find the energy to risk my life on the streets of DC, just to risk my life on the Trapeze. And did I mention this place is in a tent. Yep, they really want you to feel like a full blown circus freak.

Now, usually what would happen in DC is my GPS would totally fuck me, and instead of flying in a tent, I’d end up just spinning around Dupont Circle for a few hours because there are 8 different Massachusetts Avenues and my GPS can never really explain to me which one is the one I want. But this time my damn GPS took me right to the tent. I did not get lost. I didn’t even have to look around to figure out where exactly it wanted me to go. It basically said, it’s right there Bitch, in front of your face, now stop being a pussy and get in there! Fuck. I was all prepared for the “My GPS routed me all over the city, so sorry, maybe next time” speech. No such luck.

So my daughter and I walk in. Yes, I took her with me. I thought the “I don’t have anyone to watch her” thing would work, but it turns out you can bring whomever you like and they can just sit to the side. Perfect. It’s only fitting for her to be there, so she can identify the body.

Honestly I thought that I would spend most of the first class learning about what you do when you are in the air. Or maybe just kind of practicing holding on to monkey bars or something. But no. Me and a new girl were given a brief about what to expect. And it was exactly that, brief. It was something like:

“Ok, you’re going to go to the top of the platform, lean out toward the Trapeze, grab it with both hands, swing out, I’ll tell you to bring your knees up, when I say that you wrap your legs around the bar, I’ll tell you to release, when you do make sure you arch your back and look toward the Trapeze on the other side, then you’ll bring your legs back out and again grab the bar with your hands - then I’ll tell you to sit and that just means let go and fall into the net. The second time (OMG, THERE IS A SECOND TIME?) I am going to tell you to rock your legs front, back then front again very hard and fast and then you are going to do a back flip into the net. Any questions?”

Um, yeah, WTF?!

And the whole time my daughter is saying, are you sure you want to do this? Mom, you do not have to do this! This is crazy. It looks dangerous. Are you sure?

Hell no I’m not fucking sure! But I’m just going to channel my inner P!nk, and everything is going to be fine.

So the other girl goes first. She climbs up the very steep, very narrow ladder, straps in, leans into the Trapeze. The instructor yells READY, at which time she bends her knees and then he yells (HEP) which in circus talk means GO! She jumps off, swings through the air, KNEES UP, she wraps her knees around the bar, RELEASE HANDS, she releases her hands hanging now only by her knees and swings up, arches her back perfectly, LEGS OUT, she brings her legs out and has the bar in her hands again, SIT, she lets go and falls perfectly into the net.

I’m totally alone here.

I begin to walk up the ladder, banging my knees the whole time. When I get to the top they strap me in. I’m sweating like a pig owned by Ron Swanson. (that is a parks and recs reference about a guy who loves Bacon. It’s funny, trust me.) I am very nervous, anxious, scared, excited, pukey – all at once. Not to mention the belt is tight, really tight. Headache inducing tight.

I get strapped in, lean in awkwardly toward the Trapeze, and finally have a grip. I hear READY, I bend my knees, then HEP, I jump off and I’m swinging through the air, KNEES UP, nope, that’s not happening, I just swing, then again KNEES UP, I try bringing the bar to my knees instead of my knees to the bar, nope, just kind of looks like an in the air fetal pull up. She tells me to SIT, I look at her and say WHAT? She says, LET GO. And so I do.

So alone.

My daughter meets me with water and reassurance. Phew. I’m shaky. My friend rushes over to tell me I did good. She’s lying. I don’t mind.

It’s the other girls turn again. She does amazing. Fuck her.

It’s my turn again, I manage to get my legs through this time, and let my hands go. I arch, I get my legs back out…awesome. But when I hear FORWARD BACK FORWARD BACK FLIP! I just shake my head no and fall to the net…face first.

The third time I go, I tell the woman at the top that this will be the last time. She says, ok then, you need to do the back flip. Go out with a bang.

And I do. I swing my legs forward back forward and then just let go and grab my knees and sure enough…I do the flip. My daughter catches it on film. I love her.

the back flip!

I decide I should go up one more time.

This time is the best time. I swing, bring my knees through the bar, let go, arch, swing back, take my legs out, forward back forward back flip. Smooth.

When I get down the instructor says, we are going to try a catch now.

AND I’M BACK TO FEELING LIKE I DID IN THE VERY BEGINNING.

Again the 19 year old comes over and gives us a brief.

“Same thing as before, except this time when you arch, I’m going to be there to catch you. When I have a hold of you, let go with your legs. Once I’ve got you, I’ve got you. So you can either let your legs go on your own, or I can rip you from the bar. Your choice. Once I have you we will swing back and then I will say sit and you will bring your legs up and fall into the net. Any questions?”

WTF?!

The other girl goes first and fucking needs to just join the circus already.

It’s my turn. By now I have figured out if I stick my butt out I can avoid hitting my knees on the ladder. I get to the top, the woman says, I’m glad you didn’t give up. I fly, bring my legs up, hang from my legs, arch on the way back out and bam, he’s there, and he’s got me. And I let my legs go from the other bar and he says sit and I fall into the net…and I’ve done it. My daughter catches it on film. I love her.

He caught me!

I do it one more time and it goes even smoother. And then I’m giving hugs and signing up for my next class. Now today I have bruises on my knees from the ladder, bruises on my arms from where he caught me and a bruise on my back thigh from possibly not letting go of the bar quick enough with my legs once I was caught. But they are reminders (along with the video) that I did it.

Add it first, then scratch it off my bucket list.