I had sex with Dane

(Original Post: November 12, 2005 - Saturday)

And then I woke up.

Now flashforward to reality for a second and let me tell you about my evening.Me and My friend went to see Dane tonight. We drove three hours to New Jersey. Trenton to be exact. What a shit hole. We were afraid to make a U-turn, which by the way is impossible to do in New Jersey. All roads lead to nowhere and no road leads to a U-turn. But we made it to the stadium and we took our seats. 11th row from the stage. My goodness. First off Jay Davis came out. He opened. The man is not funny. Right away the people behind us started booing him. Saying, "We didn't pay to see you, get off the stage." I turned around and said, I did not pay to hear you in my ear, so if you don't mind. However, after about two minutes of Jay...I turned around and informed them they could continue talking...

Don't get me wrong, Jay had a couple good jokes. He talked about MySpace...too funny. And texting. Remind me to tell you that joke.But then Dane comes on. Wow. He was wearing jeans and an old T-shirt. But still looked totally amazing. He was funny right away. Talking about people who are too optimistic. Like, you lost your balls? "Oh sweetie, that sucks, but there are plenty of things you can do without balls. Don't worry."Oh, you lost half your face in a terrible accident? "That's ok. You still have the other half, you can work at an east bound toll booth. No one will ever know."

He said he walked past a shoe store and saw a pair of boots that he needed in his life. He went in and said, do you have these in a size 12. The woman said, let me go take a peek.He said, while you are taking a peek, can you fucking look around? Taking a peek sounds like such a small effort. Can you move a box or something. I want the damn boots. She came back out and said, we have them in a size 9. Like, great, do you also have a bone saw, so I can shave off 3 inches of my hoof? Oh I know, do you have a time machine so I can go back to the 9th grade when that fucking size fit my foot. Geezus lady.He did not do a meet and greet. A little sad, but there were 5,000 people. What did I expect? Me and My friend made shirts. Ours were by far the most original. Mine said, I Exaggerate and My friend's said, I talk in my sleep. If you don't get it, ask me later.

They were suppossed to each be prefaced with, Dane Dumped Me... But we didn't have enough E's. We accounted for every other letter we would need, but forgot about the E's. Damn it. Fuck E's. Dane said some guy sneezed the other day, and he is usually pro sneeze, but this guy did not cover his sneeze and a mist shot out of nasal cavity like a bountiful shot of windex. He looked at the guy, and in a caring, but kind of rude way, said, "God Bless You." And the guy looked at him and said, I'm Athiest. And Dane was like, Oh, I'm sorry, what should I say then....Um, after you die, nothing will happen. (It was some funny shit.) So the guys says, "When I die, I will be buried in the ground and I will become one with the earth, and my body will become fertilizer and I will be reborn as a tree."So Dane says, "I hope that happens. I hope he sprouts up in the forest somewhere, and some hunter hacks his ass down, cuts him into tiny pieces, presses him into paper and prints the fucking Bible on him and he ends up in a hotel drawer somewhere."Damn it Dane, My side hurts. Let's do circle spins Dane.For those of you who don't get that...and that will be all of you except My friend, ask me later. I'm off to bed. To dream. Cause I'm a fucking Dreamer. And Dane is naked there.