Ok. I almost saw a guy commit suicide Sunday. Or at least that is what I thought he was trying to do. He got out of his car and began crossing the freeway. In California there are signs warning you that there may be people trying to cross the freeway. Those people are not trying to commit suicide. They are trying to get into the country. I don't think that is a problem here in Maryland, and there are not signs posted, so what else could this guy be doing?
Well guess what I found out. There are signs posted, and they are fucking speed limit signs, and they say 55, and I was going 74. $80 later I'm back on the road and a little defeated. It's the first ticket I've ever gotten off base. Not to mention I'm usually the slowest driver ever. No one wants to follow me anywhere and they don't want me following them. I'm that annoying person you cut off in traffic. Whatever. So today I stop at the bank to deposit my winnings from Atlantic City. I went this weekend and won about $300. Well, $220 if you count my run-in with the Po Po. So there I am. I deposit the money in the bank and walk back to my car. And yep, you guessed it, I locked my keys in the car. The car is a fucking 2006 and I don't have keyless entry and I've gotten so used to just locking the doors as soon as I get out, and well, yeah. My phone and everything is just in there laughing at me. I do have a spare set of keys. They are in the car as well. God I'm a genius. So I call a locksmith. He comes out. Unlocks my door in about 4 seconds and hands me a bill for $95. Oh My Fucking Gorham. Are you kidding me? Yes, I was just about to suggest I pay you $95 for your 4 seconds of laughing in my face. Thank you Sir, for not fucking me big time. Last night I called my phone company. My bill seemed a little extreme so I wanted to call and see what was up. Turns out a while back I accidentally cancelled my text messaging option and I've been paying for them since May. So basically 20 bucks a month extra since may. Not to mention that I have the family plan and the second phone I bought is somewhere in California not being used, but I am paying for text messages on that phone and oh yeah, by the way, insurance. Do you think I have insurance on my piece of shit phone? NO. How in the hell did that happen? Fuck. The lady was like, I'm sorry ma'am, are you not happy with our service because you are a fucking idiot who can't figure out how to read her fucking bill and who got online and accidentally cancelled her text messages, and now you are fucking pissed and want to threaten to cancel your service hoping we will give you a bunch of free shit to keep you as a customer? UM, YES BITCH! That's exactly who I am. Curves gym charged me $300 bucks last month in back membership fees because they said my contract was never officially cancelled. I mean, yes, the year I signed up for had ended, but I had never sent an official letter asking them to cancel it, so they just kept continuing to charge me. I tried to say I was in Iraq...but then I'm sure they wondered why the call was a 410 are code. I'm stealth for sure. I need to stop. I am feeling the urge to cross a freeway.
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