30.
Three F'n Zero.
Thirty.
Twenty-Ten.
No matter how you say it, it's said. And I'm almost going to have to show an ID with that age on it. Up till this point I've been able to justify most of my behavior. I dated a 22-year-old a few years ago. We went to an Italian place and had an ok time. He told me he needed to stop by his house for something on the way to the bar. Cool. When we pulled up he said, my roommates are home. When I got in the house I found out his roommates were mom and pop. He still lived at home. Turns out he needed to come home to shit. ?!? While he crapped, I scanned the walls. All the while listening to his mother take me for a walk down memory lane. "This is him in high school. This is his prom date Susan. Oh, this is his football picture. He played Varsity." A very proud mother, and an all of a sudden 'to tired to go to the bar' me. In Italy I dated this guy from the ship. He was a nerd. I'm talking, skinny, short, predictable, nice-guy nerd. He was a bit of a Harley guy though, and always wore a bandana on his head. But, Harmless right? We had been friends for awhile, so when he asked me out I thought, why not? Well I'll tell you why not. Half way through the meal he said, 'can we stop by my hotel room when we leave here?' I figured he needed to change his bandana or something. I ask, "What do you need to get there?" He said, I was hoping we could do it. "Can I finish my fries first Romeo?" HELL NO. He said he is usually really shy with girls and they always break up with him so he decided to take the opposite approach. I just stared. He said, I've ruined the night haven't I? You think?I dated a guy because he had the same last name as me. I dated a guy because he looked like Dane Cook. I dated a guy who only owned one f'n orange shirt. I mean, did he think I wouldn't notice that he looked like a pumpkin every time I saw him? I dated a guy once who later informed me he was a Nazi. I dated a guy who basically ate my arm during a movie. He just kept putting it in his mouth and making slurping noises. I dated a guy who was living with another girl. He kept calling me Sabrina. You'd think I'd catch on. I dated a 21-year-old who asked me not to tell anyone because he was afraid his mom would find out. I went to a club with my girls and I accidentally smiled at some guy. He grabbed me, told me my shirt was beautiful and then tried to enter my skin. I danced with him for a few seconds. When I say dance I mean, snapped my fingers while moving left to right and looking all over the f'n place for a safe house. Finally I just said thank you, grabbed his shoulders and moved him away from me. Who decided 30 was the new 20? That is just an excuse for older people to eat arms. Let's finally call it what it is. Time to grow up.
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