The five minute guarantee

(Original Post: April 9, 2006 - Sunday)

I have come to the conclusion that with a few simple tests, which take place within five minutes of meeting someone, you can determine whether to love them or leave them.
First let me say this. If you text message a so-called man of your dreams, and he responds right away with an answer that is too perfect. Never text message him again. Never call him again, and stop putting his last name behind yours, just to see how it sounds. He's not the one. He answers perfectly because he's written that same response 112 times already. Move on.
Now, down to the more immediate tests.
Look him in his eyes and imagine kissing him. If you cannot, he's not the one. And trust me, everyone imagines kissing every eligible person they meet. We even imagine lip locks with those, not so eligible’s as well. So go ahead, picture that tongue in your mouth. If you cannot, he's not the one.
Next, imagine him in a picture with you and yours. Can you see it? Is it a picture you'd want to send out on Christmas cards or bury in a photo album that only your children look at? If you can't picture it in a photo, chances are, you can't picture it in real life.
Tell a joke. His laugh is going to tell you a lot about him. If he laughs before you get to the punch line, or does not get the joke at all. Move on. Nothing worse than being half way through a Dane skit, and hearing some kind of chewbacca howl coming from some dude you just met. Especially if you have not even reached the "GAYLORD" punch line. Fuck, get away from me.
Let him tell a joke. If he cannot even make it through a joke because he is laughing so hard at HIMSELF. Or if he gets through with this story and he's doing his chewbacca laugh and you wish a car would jump the curb and run over your foot. Well, move on.
If within the first five minutes he makes any reference to his penis, or your dire need for it. I mean, do I even have to say it? Move on.
Oh yeah, here's a classic. If he's wearing a wedding ring ... move on. Even if he says they are going through a divorce, or he is separated, or she doesn't understand him, or they are only together for the kids. Run for the hills. If he's wearing a ring it's not just cause he likes bling. Trust me.
And the kiss. Not that you will be kissing the guy in the first five minutes, but if he passes the tests and makes it to that point, and then sticks his dart tongue in your mouth or doesn't part his lips wide enough, or drowns you in saliva, or grabs the back of you head and tries to swallow you, well, you know the drill. Move on.
One more thing. If you ask him to tell you something you don't already know about him, and he responds by telling you he's a national socialist. Well, first look it up online ... and then ... move on.
Good night, and Good luck!