Happy Birthday Jeezus

Last night was the work Christmas party.
Or as not to offend anyone, the holiday party. Upon arrival I had a drink. And another. There is one thing about alcohol that I love. It makes my jokes super funny.
And the cool thing is, everyone can hear every single joke I make because for some reason I seem to talk super loud. My friend Mike looked Amazing. I said, damn Mike, you look good. He said, it's thanks to his wife. So I said, wow, these "wives" as people call them, seem to be pretty damn cool. Where can I get myself one of those. He said Columbia.
My other friend Mike was there with his girlfriend. Although everyone thinks she is his wife. Not because he has ever said he is married, and not because either one of them wear a ring (because they don't) but just because this day in age everyone is trying to get away from everyone else, so the idea of two people living together just because they want to, even though they have a choice not to, just doesn't make any sense. So all night people kept introducing them as Mike and his wife. So finally, I point out the fact that they are not married.
I tell them about a guy friend of mine who always wore a wedding ring so everyone would assume he was married. Even though he wasn't. He would even refer to his girlfriend as his wife. He was the first man I had ever met who pretended he WAS married. Most of the time when you are out with a couple, (and especially if the woman is wearing a diamond or any type of fancy ring on her finger) you assume they are married. So when someone asks, oh, you are married? Mr. Boyfriend is sure to jump in with, "um, nope, she bought that ring herself. She wears it on that finger to make me crazy. She's a cockblocker. I was going to break up with her tonight actually. Are you free? Seriously, I'm basically super single." (The cool part is, his girlfriend with the ring is usually like a hundred weeks pregnant. So she feels super hero stupid.)
But nope, usually no one is breaking down doors to announce they are married, specially when they're not.I told Mike he may as well just marry his girl. I said, "don't break up. Don't fucking do it. there's nothing else out there. No greener grass. Seriously, I’m currently just looking for someone who doesn't molest kids. It's gotten that bad." Mike assured me he does not molest kids. Hence, he'd make an awesome husband.
It was at that point that my friends suggested I stop speaking to people. I came out of the bathroom and saw a couple drinks at the bar. I said, mmm, those look tasty, what's in that? The deputy commandant said, "Pepsi." I said, oh! I guess I'll take a Pepsi ... Plus! He asked me if I had one of the pocket breathalyzer tests they were handing out at the party. (Where were my friends for that exchange?)I went back inside and it was time to eat. When I got to the line there were so many plates. They were stacked to the Heavens. I said to the guy next to me. Look at all the plates. There is one for everyone. Again ... can I get some friends? I got salad and accidentally allowed it to touch the guy in front of me. He had a nice dip of ceaser dressing on his sleeve. I tried to wipe it off without him noticing. He noticed. I guess I was trying to wipe if off with another part of his jacket.
I got some stuffing, although I had to cut it with a knife. Don't even ask, 'cause I can't answer. It was good though. I stuck the table decorations in my hair at the exact moment the Commandant came up to introduce me to his wife. (What friends?)I did the chicken noodle soup dance. With a soda on the side. I threw up in my mouth. I had to eat a piece of cake to get rid of the taste. I washed the cake down with Madori. I took out my pocket breathalyzer. If it turns blue, it means you are over the legal limit.At some point we all played musical chairs. It's fun. You send up a rep from your table. They announce an item each rep needs to get and the rep runs out to get it. One chair is taken away while they're gone. The point is to get back to a chair. Our rep made it into the top 3. They announced to the reps they needed to find something blue. I threw my breathalizer.It was as Blue as could be.