I'm totally fucking Thankful

Too often we convince ourselves there is nothing in our lives to be Thankful for. Tonight it is time to convince myself I'm totally fucking Thankful for:My ability to Gleek long ranges. My ability to type really (really) fast. My addicted mother who's craziness led me to realize that if I'm already like this without drugs, then with drugs I would be unstoppable. I mean, unbearable. Same difference. My father who lived in a nudist camp and who taught me that a naked human body is beautiful, except while playing volleyball. My stepmother who taught me real potatoes didn't come from a box. My best friend for running over the dog that would always sit in his own shit. The guy who picked up the useless piece of paper that flew out of my bag and rushed across the parking lot in the rain to give it to me. (I threw it away right after.) The lady who let me cut in front of her the other day at Target. (Just kidding. You know that shit didn't happen.) The guy who told me he wanted me to be his Queen. My roommate who puts up with me even though I don't wash dishes. The poor students that sat with me at the detachment all of today because I had no where else to go. The friend I have who always puts me first. My friend Diane who never misses an opportunity to compliment me. My ex-boyfriends for never getting mad when I cheated on them repeatedly. My ex-husband for not killing me when I cheated on him repeatedly. The Navy for helping me escape and becoming an enabler for me to continue escaping. Reality TV for giving me something to look forward to on a blah Tuesday night. DVR for allowing me the freedom from a television-controlled schedule. God for clearing Traffic and the Weather so my loved ones and I could travel safe tonight. The car dealership for finally installing my damn keyless entry. Dane Cook for never giving me hope, therefore ensuring my undying devotion. My daughter My daughter and her many talents. (although I'd be really super hero thankful if she could manage not to get kicked out of her school.) And last but not least, My mystery stalker who sent the Globe.

Things I'm not Thankful for:Bugs.