Protect your six!

(Original Post: August 8, 2006 - Tuesday)

So I've been thinking about relationships. HOLY SHIT. WHAT A SHOCKER RIGHT? Anyway, I've also been reading, well, glancing, at this book called "Why men marry Bitches." For the most part it says what every other "He's not going to marry your stupid ass," book says. If you are nice, and show interest in him, and make him feel special and care about him, he will for sure decide you are NOT the ONE.
However, if you treat him like crap, ignore his phone calls, stop replying to his emails and start using sex as a weapon, well then, you are on track to true happiness. Start gagging a little when you look at him. Almost like you are going to throw up just from spending time with him, which is money in the bank ladies!
Whatever you do, don't give him control of the six. What is the six you ask? Well, if your body is a 12-inch ruler, you can guess where the six would be...Basically, don't give him the upper hand. If you start acting like he is a great catch, his wheels will start turning. This is not a metaphor for thinking, this is for real. He will jump in his car yelling, "Go, Go, Go. Get out of here."
The reason for this is simple. He is not really trying that hard to impress you. I mean sure, he opened the car door for you, bought you some grub and acted all geeky and shy when it came time to kiss you. Big fucking deal. This does not mean you need to rush home with him and break his back super girl style.
If you do make this mistake, well, all hope is not lost. For the next couple of days, keep your distance. Don't always be available by phone. Let him leave a couple of messages, and then when you call him back, just tell him you saw his number in your call log and that you haven't even had time to listen to the message because seriously, your life is just packed full of super important shit. He does not need to know that super important shit translates into, doing laundry and getting to the store to buy ice cream sandwiches.
If you do the opposite of this, you are doomed. Let's go back a few steps. You've just broken his back. He's feeling good. He's into you. FOR NOW. You lean over and cuddle. He cuddles back. You are ready to introduce him to your parents. The next day you call and let him know you had a great time. You send him a text message just to say Hi, a few hours later. You send him an email as soon as you get to work the next day. You call him when you get off and ask him what's he's doing. You send him a text message asking him if he misses you. *hint - if you have to ask him, he doesn't. He starts to get the vibe that his work is done. He has impressed you and won your heart. But what has he really done? If it was that easy to butter your bread, then he must be doing more for you than anyone else has ever done. But all he's doing is not totally ignoring you. So he begins to do less and less to see just how little he can do, all the while keeping your attention. The more he pulls away, the more you cling. The less he does, the more you do. Pretty soon he's calling you once a week. He must still be into you right? You answer and try not to sound annoyed. Even though the fact that he hasn't called in a week is all you've been talking about the entire time. You've even gained five pounds because of all the comfort eating you've been doing thinking about it. He tells you to come over. It doesn't matter that you've been sleeping two hours already. When he asks if you've been sleeping you say Nope. I always stay up till about 4 a.m. on Wednesdays. You jump up, take a quick shower, and show up at his house in a record ten minutes. He already looks tired. You hope he's not too tired to let you have sex with him. Boy, you are the luckiest girl ever. You will not come, not even close, but it doesn't matter. Because tonight is the night that he's going to realize how great you are and invite you to move in.
Oh yes, please come in my eye. I won't be able to see, but it's cool. I really don't need to see for a couple of days anyway. Yeah, pull my hair. That feels like shit, but I'll tell you I love it so you can enjoy the visual. And let's be honest. You could care less whether I like it or not. Oh, you are done? Well that was fast. No problem though, I'm sure you're tired. Let me rub your back until you fall asleep.
Meanwhile you stay awake proud of yourself for managing to make it into his apartment again. Scoping the area for two plates with the same kind of food dried on them. Two glasses instead of one. Any evidence of replacement.
Blah! If you are that quick to commit, then you will be that quick to quit. And he knows it. He knows he's not that great. His ex didn't think he was that great. And trust me ... he hasn't changed a bit.