The guy at Outback must have slipped me a 'roofie' because I feel totally exhausted, and even a little raped. I don't know what that means. He called me sweetheart. Maybe he considered that four-play. And is that even how that is spelled? Or is it for-play? or is it one word no hyphen. It's not really modifying anything right? My point is, it's the end of another year and I feel like I haven't moved a bit. I'm still eating more and working out less. I'm still biting the inside of my mouth. I'm still falling in love outside my zip code. I'm still plucking my eye brows too thin. I'm still renting. I'm still leasing. I found out I've been extended at the school house until June. I went home for Christmas to find my family sitting around the same table, in the same house, talking about the same things. I will go back to Maryland to the same routine, only now I need to remember to write 7 instead of 6. There is no New in the New Year. And I guess I'm just wondering where it went. I find myself still insecure about the same things. Still scared of the same shit. Still unable to be confrontational. Still ashamed to re-read my own journal. Still haunted by mistakes I've made. Still in the constant pursuit of happiness. Still relying on someone else to pay it forward. Still doubting myself. Still questioning my worth in someone else's eyes. Still pretending like I've got it all figured out. Still looking for drama, even when none exists. Still hoping I don't look 30. Still wanting other people to validate me. Still wanting what I don't have, and hating what I thought I wanted. Still wondering what she means to him. So my New Years Resolution this year is simple. I'm going to be New. And I don't mean new hair and new car. Although, new hair isn't totally out of the question. I mean, New outlook and new attitude. I'm going to stop being so scared of bugs. I'm going to stop pushing so hard for love. I'm going to stop expecting him to complete me. I'm going to validate myself. I'm going to believe in me. I'm going to eat less and work out more. And not to be thin, but to be healthy. And I'm going to open up my journal and re-read my life. Figure myself out. I'm going to stop making all the effort. I'm going to stop saying I love you first. I'm going to start appreciating myself, and seeing the me that others see. And I'm going to chill on the Dots. I'm going to start doing less Dane, and more Me. I'm going to love my daughter with the same energy I love my boyfriend. I'm going to dress up more. I'm going to write letters. I'm going to talk less and act more. I'm going to accept the mystery globe as a gift from God. He wasn't trying to give me the world, he was just letting me know that I could take it off my shoulders.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment