Currently Chasing: A Budget

Why is it that when I look at my account at 5 p.m. Wednesday … I always seem to have money in the bank, but when I log back in the very next a.m. there is a negative balance and a lean on my house? I’m quite tired of the paycheck to paycheck game. And you would think I’d be doing something about it. But instead I continue to buy healthy food I’ll never eat, fancy drinks I’ll never drink, precious shoes that are too uncomfortable to wear, dresses there are never occasion to wear, clothes I’m not thin enough (yet) to wear, and useless Tupperware! (I never cook anything to need to keep anything!)

I own half of the pampered chef catalogue, which is pretty good for someone who never cooks – um, or pretty fucking lame and retarded. In fact, every purchase I’ve made in the last couple of years, besides my house, has been lame and spontaneous.

For example: I was leasing a 2006 PT Cruiser. Finally I decided to get smart. Why the hell am I leasing a car? It causes me to constantly worry about miles and dings and dents that I may have to pay for at the end of the contract. I need to get out of this lease and get a different car. A cheaper car. A bigger, more family friendly car. So I went to the dealership. I paid $3,000 to get out of the lease, and drove off the lot with a 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible. What the fuck is my problem! In my head it made sense. I just gave my leased car up…now I have nothing to drive. Hmmm. Let’s just look and see what totally inconvenient even smaller and older car they have on the lot. Yes, I hate this car just enough. I’ll take it.

Do you want another example…of course you do! Walking through the mall, I see a vendor. Everyone knows to stay clear. But not me. It’s an iron that straightens hair. You’ve all seen it. And you have all made the smart decision not to buy it. AND YOU HAVE ALL GONE ON TO LEAD HAPPY LIVES!

But of course, I couldn’t live without it. Wow, it really does get hair straight. The $10 iron I have at home gets my hair straight. But not this fucking straight. I need this iron! This iron will change my life. This iron will get me the husband of my dreams. This iron will solve all my problems. So I own this $275 iron and I use it to straighten my bangs every morning. Because, oh yeah, I forgot … I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING HAIR!

One more example. I need a laptop. I just registered for a couple of college courses, and my current laptop was a hand-me-down from a friend who used to own his own dotcom business. I appreciated the gesture, and that thing has lasted, porn downloads and all, for a good couple of years. However, it does not even have a DVD ROM and let’s face it … I can only blow so many people to keep the thing running. KIDDING (geez).

So I’ve been complaining about the laptop situation for some time. Finally a friend of mine says, look, I’ll give you the money to get a new laptop and you can just pay me back sometime between now and before you die. I’ll take that deal. Although you never know when you’re going to die right … I’m just saying. So he transfers the money, and I get online (luckily my laptop will still do that, albeit, at a snail’s pace) and begin looking for laptops.

Here’s the rub. I really wanted an iphone. But I was already with T-Mobile, not only that, but I had two lines because I was on a family plan I haven’t needed since 2006. So what do I do with the money? I call up T-mobile and cancel my service, that’s what I do (which was a convenient $200 fucking dollars) and then I sign up for AT&T and get my new IPhone, which was $200 fucking dollars. And by the time you add in tax and a pink case, and rhinestones for the décor of the case, and $25 bucks in new apps…well, you get the point. And that point being; I still need a new laptop.

My father is going to read this and shit a brick. I’m sorry Dad. You can wipe with some of my money. That’s what I seem to do with it.