Currently Chasing: A way to kill off hope.

I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve had my heart buried and dug up so many times you’d think it had something to do with the mysterious death of Tupac. But a broken heart is nothing compared to the pain of hope.

For years I’ve had glimpses of it. When the man in my life told me he was going to change, I believed him. It didn’t stop me from looking in his phone and reading messages from another woman talking about how good he tasted, but I believed him. And the next time he told me he was going to change, I saw that hope again, and I believed him. It didn’t stop me from going through his phone and finding out that he had hooked up with his ex girlfriend over lunch one day and that they were planning to run away together. But I believed him. And months later, when he told me he was going to change, I believed him. It didn’t stop me from receiving a phone call about some girl I should call, who later revealed that she was in love with my man and that they had developed some crazy bond with each other during the month he was away. But I believed him. And weeks later, when he told me he was going to change, I believed him. It didn’t stop me from finding out that he had planned to fly and see some girl he barely knew while he was still living with me. But I believed him.

And now, months later, when he tells me I just haven’t given him enough time to work out his shit, and that he can’t believe I’m ready to just up and move on, I can’t fucking believe him! I mean, it’s literally fucking unbelievable. He said, “YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE.” Wow. I guess I’m really a fucking careless bitch right? Poor guy. I am just tossing him aside. How could I?

But now it’s nagging me. Of course he’s just backpedaling because he knows he’s never going to find a girl like me again. Of course he’s just feeling jealous that someone else is going to get all my love and devotion. And of course he’s just feeling sorry for himself, because now who is going to assure him he’s not losing his hair (even though he is.) But I’ve poured a lot of time into this shit. And was it really all for nothing? Now when he says he sees a future for us, should I believe it? Of course not. But it’s that glimpse of hope again. And hope is usually a good thing, but in this case I wish hope would just jump off a fucking bridge. I don’t want you hope. You are useless. You are temporary. You are seriously fucking annoying. And you are always too little, too late.

For now, I’ll just hope that I finish my paper due this weekend. And hope I don’t go over my minutes on my phone plan. Or hope that I can avoid that phone call … the one I hope is coming.