Currently Chasing: Honesty. (Yours, not mine.)

Mixed messages. They are all around us. In life we are told that opposites attract, but then are told that birds of a feather flock together. Which is it? We are told that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but are also taught that once out of sight, you’re out of mind. Real men don’t cry, but misery loves company. If three is a crowd, then why is more merrier? And if you only want to be friends, then how come you are asking me to sleep with you?

Will the clearest message please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Hi my name is the REAL fuckin’ SHADY.

Now don’t get me wrong. I send mixed messages as well. It’s not because I mean to, but more because I’m too friendly not to. How do you say, get the fuck away from me, while still being friendly? You can’t. So it comes out kind of mixed like … of course I want to join your fantasy football league. Why wouldn’t I? I mean, I know dick about sports so why not! (Brett Favre is still playing for the Kansas City Spurs right?) And while we're at it, sure, I'd love to go to lunch. Mixed message indeed.

I’ve noticed mixed messages in other areas of my life as well. I tell myself that I’m looking for a relationship, but I sabotage every good thing that comes within 50 feet of me. If you are hardworking, average looking, smart, independent and super-duper fucking nice to me. Chances are you’ve hit on me, and I’ve told you to fuck off.

If you are not so hard working, super duper good looking, dumb, dependent, and super fucking mean to my ass … well, I’m still waiting for you to ask me to marry you. Do you see the mixed message here? What the fuck am I really looking for? I say I want a nice guy, but I seem to be an asshole-aholic! Addicted to dillholes! And nachos.

The point is, when does everyone just get real with everyone. When do we finally just say exactly what we mean? Does that point ever arrive? We are all too busy hoping no one analyzes our failure to make a decision. We are all hoping no one picks up on the true meaning of our mixed message. And we are all kind of hoping no one checks our fucking phones. In the end, we are all just hoping. And hopeless.

I, for one, am taking a stand (while I sit here) that I will say what I mean (when it suits me) and mean what I say (to myself and under my breath) and will give people a chance (when they are extremely good looking) and will always be clear about what I want (unless pretending I don’t want it gets it to me faster.)