Currently Chasing: A Mr. Fix It

Ok, so enough about boyfriends and love lives and ‘you deserve better’ scenarios. I was reminded recently of what I really need. And by reminded, I mean the oil light in my car went off. What I really need is someone around to fix my shit. You don’t have to stay. Just come by in the night like a fucking shoe elf, fix my shit, and go. I’ll never tell anyone where you touched me.

I need an oil change. I have a problem with my carpet shedding and clogging up my vacuum cleaner. I also had a problem with my garbage disposal recently and was forced to (GOD Forbid) hit the reset button under the sink all on my own! I’m tired of it. I blew a fuse the other day and had to figure out which circuit to click. (Hint…it’s the only that’s red) I found that out after clicking a bunch of random shitty buttons and still my blow dryer would not turn on. The horror.

I was texting and driving and blew a tire out a few months ago. I had to have someone help me put the donut on my car. And by help me, I mean change the thing while I repeated the words thank you in an obnoxiously high voice behind him. Then he told me the donut was in pretty bad shape, and that the equipment I had to fix the flat was bent and wouldn't work, so I'd need to replace those things. Good lord. Can I get a man to do that shit please?
The mere thought of dropping my car off for this oil change sends me into a tailspin. I hate it. I don’t want to think about it. I want the light to just turn off. 

I have a rip in my leather seats. I’ll throw money at the problem, that is fine, but I want someone else to make the appointment and take the car in to have the seat fixed. I want someone else to be responsible for this bullshit. My mother never warned me about this stuff. Thanks mom! In her defense, my mom once jumped out of a minivan (the engine was on fire) and instead of running away from it like the rest of us did, she opened the hood and blew out the fire! Are you kidding me. The other day I had to stop at the gate for a safety inspection and I could barely figure out how to open the damn hood! Let alone blow out a fucking engine fire! For shit’s sake!

Aaaugghhh! What will it take to get someone with a can of WD-40 to show up at my house and make shit right with my world? Does anyone have a tube of Caulk and some free time? Anyone want to shave my door down a little on the bottom so it doesn’t drag across my carpet when I try and close it? Anyone available to reconnect my computer to the damn network? I have a showerhead that needs to be remounted. Don’t ask. Anyone?

500 facebook friends my ass! I had a friend tell me recently that he's available if I have a void I need filling. I'm sure this wasn't what he had in mind. But if it was, come by with your caulk. (that's CAULK!)  Because I have some voids in my counters that need filling. Let's do this!