Currently Chasing: The Courage to Change the Things I Can

I don’t even know how to start this. Truth is, I’ve written this blog a hundred times.

I’ve fallen back into the very familiar pattern of doing what’s comfortable. Caring for people who are incapable of caring back. And then continuing to care what they think. Not any more.

Recently I had dinner with one of these ‘comfort players’ and it was the epitomy of a last supper, let me assure you.

Conversation was sparse, but it went something like this:

Judas: Hey, so I was playing Call of Duty online last night and chatting on the headset.

Me: (in my head): Big fucking deal.
Me: (words coming out of my mouth): Oh, of course I’m interested, please tell me more.

Judas: There was this girl complaining about people camping.

Me: (in my head): Big fucking deal.
Me (words coming out of my mouth): What is camping?

Judas: When someone finds a safe place to stay and then kills people from the safe place.

Me: Got it. Continue.

Judas: So I kill someone who I see camping and it’s her. So I send her an instant message and give her a hard time for complaining about campers. And she writes back and tells me that she’s new to the game so she’s allowed. But she ended up finishing second. Even above me. And then all these guys are requesting her as a friend. So I tell how pathetic is is that all these guys want to be her friend. Like she’s going to be their Xbox live girlfriend or something. And then she requests me as a friend. And I say, so does this mean you are my Xbox live girlfriend? And she types back. Lol. Then later she found me playing again and entered my room.

Me: ……………………………..

Judas: Is there something wrong?

Me:……………………………..

Judas: I can tell something’s wrong.

Me: ……………………………..

There is always some girl around that everyone ELSE is hitting on and whom he thinks is ugly, or lazy or just is overall not attracted to. But it always comes to light that while everyone ELSE is busy living thier lives, he's busy making the most of EVERY option he has. The last time he brought up a girl that he wanted nothing to do with there ended up being a full blown relationship in the works. I knew he was a Tiger fan, but come on.

So we continue to not speak for the rest of the meal. And the ride home. And we will continue like that for the rest of our lives. I hope his Xbox girlfriend is as good to him as his Xgirlfriend was. I should have known better. I thought one day he’d make an honest woman out of me. I didn’t realize he hadn’t yet made an honest man out of himself.