Currently Chasing: A Great Piece of Meat

A few hours before the big snowmaggedon storm that swept through the Maryland/DC area I got a knock on my door. A cute but shaggy looking guy was standing there. I could see a meat truck in the parking lot.

He told me that a woman in my complex had ordered a bunch of steaks, but that her credit card was declined and now he had a box of them he was trying to sell at cost. I asked him how much they were. He told me they were about $3 per steak.

My first thought was, I don’t really cook. My next thought was, this guy is cute. A few little steaks going to total waste in my freezer won’t kill me.

So he heads back to his truck. When he knocks a second time I open the door with a big smile. Only this time it’s an older guy standing there. He’s missing a couple of teeth and his shirt cannot contain his tummy. It’s making guest appearances the entire time he’s talking.

He tells me the same thing about the credit card and then starts showing me his meat. This is the second time if you count the stomach. But the entire time he’s showing me the different steaks he is complementing me. You are very pretty, check out these steak burgers. You have a great smile, look at this filet. You have a beautiful daughter, you should try this porter house.

I tell him I’ll take a couple of the steak burgers. He tells me he can’t separate the boxes. If you buy one steak burger, you need to buy all of them plus everything else. $380 bucks worth. I tell him I don’t have a deep freezer. He says he’ll help me make it fit. I tell him I don’t cook. He says he’ll give me easy to follow directions.

When he gets done with his speech I bring him into my home to show him something. I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking the same thing. This guy is going to slam the door behind him and cut me up into tiny pieces and sell me to the next person with a working credit card. But still I bring him to the fridge.

I open the freezer and I show him the steak and chicken that has been in there since I bought the house. I also let him in on the secret that I brought that meat over from the freezer in my old apartment. I looked him right in the eye and said, Sir, do you really want me to spend all this money on meat that I absolutely know will go to waste?

He quickly said no. In fact, he all of a sudden got very serious. He said he would normally try and sell me into the ground until I had no choice but to buy the meat, but he didn’t want to do that to me. In fact, he said all he really wanted to do for me was make me a steak. He looked outside as the snow started falling and said, it’s getting cold out there. He told me his was single at that it’s one thing when it’s cold outside, but even worse when it’s cold on the inside. Then he handed me his meat pamphlet and wrote his number on it. He said, if you’re ever too cold, or you just want a chef for the night, give me a call.

And with that, he walked out. Meat and all. And as he left, my tummy began to rumble. I thought to myself, steak sounds really good right now. And I knew what I was about to do.

Grab my daughter and head to Outback.