Currently Chasing: Non-Cons

I’m not an advocate of confrontation. I don’t enjoy it. I get embarrassed easily when it comes to situations where people are getting confronted or called on their behavior. It’s something that’s been with me all my life. It’s why I learned to tell jokes. It’s why I’m a nice person even when people don’t deserve for me to be. It’s why I’ve learned to be a good mediator. And it’s most likely why I get walked on by most of my boyfriends. I learned this trait from my mother, who is so non-confrontational that she won’t even answer the damn phone.

It’s been a problem since I was a teenager. I would babysit my brothers and they would fight. I couldn’t stand the confrontation. Once I just wrapped window shutter cords around both of their necks and told them that if they didn’t stop fighting I’d leave them there until they suffocate. This was probably not a good way to handle a tense situation. What I’m telling you here is that I go to EXTREME measures to avoid confrontation.

It seems though, that I befriend and also date the most confrontational people in the world. One of my best friends makes it her job to call out every single dumb ass in the world. We were at a bar once and this guy was trying to talk to me. She leaned over and told him that we weren’t going to a part of whatever miscarriage he had going on. GEEZUS! Then he asked what the D on my necklace stood for, and before I could tell him, she leaned over and said DYKE. We are together. Go the fuck away.

And with that, he did. I said damn girl, did you have to be so mean? She responded with, he’s Canadian, if you aren’t rude to them they will stick around all night. And they are bad tippers. This is the same girl who worked for me at one point and when I asked her not to eat in the office, she told me to suck a fat dick. And there you go. My friends.

So last night I’m at a movie with a guy friend and we are watching Kick Ass. Great flick by the way. The movie is all about confrontation. Now, occasionally my seat will get kicked when I’m in a theater, but I do my best to ignore it. And sometimes there will be a crying baby, or a loud eater, or God Forbid, a texter, and I just let it go. But last night the people behind us decided to kick my friend’s seat. And this is a guy who LIVES for confrontation. He once got cut off by someone on the freeway, and instead of just going on with his life, he sped up, got in front of the car, and then slowed down to a snail’s pace. When the car tried to pass again, he sped up…then would slow down. He did this for AN HOUR! He also refused to let a car merge once. He made it his mission to keep this guy from merging. So much so that the guy was literally yelling out the window that he was going to fucking kill us. I was in the passenger side pretending not to hear. Meanwhile my guy friend was in the driver‘s side with his middle finger out telling the guy to suck a fat dick. What is this fascination with fat dicks all of a sudden?

Anyway, back to the movie. So he gets kicked. I see him turn around…I grab his knee. He knows I hate him being confrontational. He turns back around and enjoys the movie. He gets kicked again, he turns around and says, WTF? I grab his knee. He turns back around to enjoy the movie. The third time he stands up, turns around and says, kick my seat again and I’m gonna kick your ass. He sits back down…he can hear them all talking…he turns and says, I’ll beat the shit out of all of you. I am steady pretending to enjoy my popcorn. It’s NOT working. I want to just go back there and apologize and tell them that he doesn’t mean it. That he’s just had a long day. I want to defuse the situation, but I don’t. I just sit there.

At the end of the movie I glance behind us. He did a very good job of confronting them. And trust me, those three little girls will never kick another seat.