Currently Chasing: A Choice, not just an Option

In San Diego I met a man. A funny, smart, athletic, witty, alcoholic, immature man. He was kind of short and so drunk that he couldn’t stop smelling my hair, so I did what anyone would do. I slept with his tall, good looking friend. However, I found out too late that his friend was married, and all of a sudden short didn’t seem so bad. This guy made me laugh. I mean really laugh. He was drunk most of the time we were together, but nevertheless he was real and I fell in love.

After only a few months and a complete whirl-wind relationship, I moved across the country. We kept in touch, flew to visit each other and web-cammed each other whenever we could. We realized early on that it wasn’t the ideal relationship, but it didn’t stop us from giving it a try. In fact, we never actually broke up. But then again, we were never actually going out either. Eventually life got in the way and he met a girl and I met a guy and that was that. But we would still see each other now and then, and every time we did, emotions would come rushing back. The thing is, this girl that likes him…she’s been a real trooper. She would even drop him off at my house when I’d come to visit, knowing darn well what was about to happen. She didn’t care. She loved him despite his inability to be faithful. Although I’ve known him longer, she has loved him harder. She deserves him. She actually deserves better than him.

So when he texted me today to tell me he was near my neck of the woods, I froze. Part of me wanted to tell him to fly here immediately and do what he always does. Make me feel like the only one. But the other part of me couldn’t let go of the fact that I’m not the only one. I’m not even sure I’m THE one anymore.

You see, the man I’ve been off and on seeing for years is a lot like San Diego boy. He loves me, sure, but not enough to make sure I know I’m the only one. He treats me like San Diego boy treats his Lolita. Like I am expendable. And being a choice isn’t the same as being an option. And I didn’t want to be an option for San Diego boy anymore. In fact, It made me realize that I was tired of being an option for Maryland boy as well. I mean, after four years if you aren’t sure you want me, then you are sure you don’t want me. And you don’t get to just have me because you don’t want to see me with someone else. And if you’re on and off with someone, then you should just be off. (sound advice from an olive garden waiter in Mississippi.)

So my conversation with San Diego boy went something like this…

Him: So whatcha doing?

Me: Driving to dinner?

Him: What’s on the menu?

Me: Steak.

Him: Am I going to see you while I’m out here?

Me: Probably not, I’ve got a lot going on.

Him: I kinda sensed it was coming so it’s ok. I understand.

Me: I think you know I can’t go down that road again.

Him: I wish I could see you and we can just hang out. You know, as friends.

Me: We’ve never just been friends.

Him: I know, It’s hard. Why is it so hard?

Me: Because you mean too much.

Him: You mean a lot to me too. I want great things for you because I know you deserve them and I want you to be happy because you deserve that too.

Me: And I would be happy with you. But you are happy without me, and it’s hard to deal with actually losing.

Him: I’m sorry sweetie. I do love you.

Me: I know, but it’s not enough. And you are doing to her what Maryland boy does to me. If she’s your girl then stop trying to hurt her.

Him: I know.

Me: I would give my all to Maryland boy and he would parade around like he could do better. She loves you. I love you too. And I’m not going to let you be that guy.

Him: Thanks sweetie. I’m just worried that this is the best I can do.

Me: Then break up with her. You don’t deserve to have someone love you like that if you can’t do the same. If you want others then you don’t want her. Don’t be selfish. Having your cake and eating it too is old. It’s time to be a better man.

Him: yeah, you’re right.

Me: Good. Love u.

Him: Love you too. Thanks for giving it to me straight.

Me: No problem.

Fin.

It prompted one more text from me to Maryland boy.

“I love you, and you either want me or you don’t. But I refuse to go on without knowing. We either are or we aren’t, and that’s it.”

But in truth, this text gives him an option, and I’m not actually sure he has one.