So the other day my friend goes out to meet up with a group of friends. On the way there she gets a call from another group of friends, so she stops to meet up with them first. As soon as she entered the bar she knew…it was on. There was a guy there that she’d been eyeing up for quite some time, just waiting for the right moment. And this was it.
They chatted, they drank…then they stopped drinking, and continued to chat. And then they left…in a hurry!
He tells her they have to stop at the store first. Apparently he wasn’t prepared for his evening to take this turn. He needed … protection.
So they head into the first grocery store they see and go toward the place where the condoms should be. Nothing. After some heavy investigation they decide to go to a manager and ask where they are. He whispers…aisle 4.
They are puzzled as to why he feels he needed to whisper. Buying a condom is not embarrassing. Having a crab jump into your fruit loops in the morning is embarrassing. Scratching your itchy, burning crotch is embarrassing. And then there’s always the house in Vermont that nobody wants. (HIV)
But whatever, they head toward the aisle and sure enough, there they are. Locked up behind glass.
Seriously? They are locked up? You can get condoms anywhere. You can find them in movie theater vending machines. You can get them at any random 7-11. Hell, I once was so desperate for a condom that I went in to a bar and started just asking people if they had one. After a few minutes someone pointed me toward the bar. The bartender had a whole fucking jar of them!
So anyway, they make their way back to the manager who then hands them the keys and whispers, key 5. Good Lord. They take the key and go to back to the aisle. They stand there for 15 minutes looking at all the boxes. Ever notice the condom aisle is like the fucking gum aisle? All different colors and flavors. Rubbery goodness.
They finally just grab a box…and their off.
Here’s the thing about condoms. Sure they protect against pregnancy. And that seems to be everyone’s only worry. But condoms are actually barriers. It’s like saying, I like you enough to let you penetrate me, but I don’t want the skin of your penis actually coming into contact with me. So please put on this baggie so it’ll be like you were never actually here. Awesome, and very romantic. Wouldn’t it be great if we just kept our medical records with us like the pros I saw in Thailand? They had that shit on the ready. Although most of the time it was just an index card that said, “I’m clean.” BUYER BEWARE.
(And just a side note, one of my friends actually took one of those girls up to his room, but she was so tired and he felt bad, so he just let her sleep for an hour while he beat off to porn. Although I think he still wore a condom.)
Anyway, back to my friend. After 42 minutes of Condom purchasing, they didn’t even end up using one. He ended up ‘arriving’ after only three or four minutes of four-play. And that was that.
However, this story did leave me with a question. Who should be prepared with the condoms? Men or women? Me personally, I feel like condoms are for people with dicks, and therefore should be purchased by people with dicks. I don’t walk around asking men if they have a birth control pill I can take. What do you guys think?
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It SHOULD be the guy's responsibility. However, they're retarded, so if you're bringing one back to your place, have a few handy in your night stand.
ReplyDeleteEvery girl should keep one in her purse. Sure I have them in my nightstand, but what if we make it to her place or even an isolated area in the park? Condoms leave that nasty ring mark in a man's wallet, not to mention material degradation caused by the pressure pressed upon it.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't want an undiscovered STD more than I don't.
Yes, it IS the guy's responsibility. But how about just giving us a break, ladies, because it's like there's no way for a guy to have a condom without being judged. Bring it with you to the bar? Someone's gonna give you shit for overestimating your chances. Keep one handy in the car? Well someone's going to find it on like a carpool to work or a luch break and ... give you shit. (plus a few afternoons in a hot car and I doubt it's even useful anymore) Keep it in the night stand at your place and it's like you have to provide documentation that they have been there a.) just long enough that you aren't just some man-ho bringing random girls back to your place all the time; but b.) just a short enough time that they aren't left over from your ex-fiancee from 5 years ago. also the number of condoms you own is also open to interperetation and judgement. They are dick baloons, ladies. We hate them. We love sex with you enough to overcome the hate. So let us be.
ReplyDelete...I love the fact that this guy totally took the initative to be like..."hey, I really want to do this, but I respect you enough to inform you that I am not prepared." He was totally respectful about it...come on ladies how often does this really happen.
ReplyDeleteNext, when do consenting adults have to basically "ask permission" to protect themselves? If teens had/have to go through this much trouble to get a f'n condom, it explains the whole teenage pregnancy epidemic. I get the store may have stealing issues, but let them steal them!!! If their concern is simply someone poking a hole in them, then put them in a location where that is not likely, but behind a glass case, locked...give me a break.
The store manager's reaction is hilarious, why was he embarrased, when clearly the two people who were purchasing them weren't =)
I agree. If you are embarrassed to protect yourself, then don't have sex.
ReplyDeleteI think both men and women should carry them. I used to, when I was single, even if I wasn't planning on having sex. You never know when you might get lucky, or when a friend will need to borrow. :)
ReplyDelete"It’s like saying, I like you enough to let you penetrate me, but I don’t want the skin of your penis actually coming into contact with me." --> sadly, I disagree :( I think the penetration is enough, wear a condom.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... the answer is probably, anyone who wants to have sex should carry a condom, if you really want to have sex, don't expect the other to be prepared... however, its fine to go to the store, that is always an adventure.
Now, lets say who should be prepared in a gay relationship? Top or Bottom? Well, either way, neither of them have birth control pills !!!