Currently Chasing: Sex Experts

So browsing through the bookstore the other day I came across a book. “Sex: How to do everything.” The book was on sale for $15. Now come on. I flipped through the book and knew right away that I could learn more about sex by watching a Madonna video.

The book is written by em and lo. What makes these hims or hers or this him and her experts? The book is also only 84 pages. The positions book is 256 pages, so what were em and lo doing, paraphrasing? Right next to the sex book is a book about threesomes, for couples who want to know more. Shouldn’t this info already be in the sex book? I mean, it claims that it is all encompassing. And if I’m in a couple and I want to know more about threesomes, guess what I’m going to do? Pornhub.com. That’s what. Pictures in a book are nice, but full on instructional videos are better. And free. Not to mention the awkwardness of purchasing these sex books. Especially from the overly friendly staff at the books-a-million by my house. I can already imagine the transaction.

Book’s employee: Hidy Howdy neighbor. Great day for an inspiring read. What can I ring you up for today?

Me: Um, just this sex book and this other book about threesomes. My partner and I are interested in learning more.

Book’s employee: Well there’s not much reading in these books, mostly pictures. Might I suggest a more mature text like possibly a pocket Bible?

Me: No, this is it. This sex book says it’ll teach me how to do everything, so I’ll find Jesus on my own. Thanks.

Book’s employee: Okily dokily, are you a card member?

I mean, they may as well title these sex books, “Please don’t steal me because you’re too embarrassed to buy me.”

And these books all advertise the same thing. A quick and easy orgasm for the woman.

Men, let me clue you in on a little secret, your goal should not be to get us to orgasm as quickly as possible. What is the fun in that? There are plenty of times I’ve reached my happy place on my own in a lot less time than it’ll take you, and trust me, that was the goal. But when I’m with my partner I want him to take his time.

I had a friend of mine tell me a horrifying story about her ex boyfriend. He was great during the day. Taking her out. Buying her things. All the makings of a great boyfriend. But somehow the money he spent on her during the day made him feel like he owned her at night. He was all rough with it and all ‘who’s your daddy?’ about the whole thing. She didn’t mind when he’d grab the back of her head, it was nice. What she minded was the face rape that occurred moments after that. Maybe she came…who could really tell what was a scream of pain and what was a scream of pleasure?

I mean fine, maybe one crazy time, if it’s your birthday. But every night you want to just have tortured angry sex? Get a doll.

All I’m saying is books are for the birds. I can’t cook. I’ve read books on it. Seems simple enough. A dash of this, a bit of that. But you know how it is. They recipe calls for 2 cups of milk and you only have 1 cup. It’ll have to do. And the recipe calls for this spice, but you only have that spice. You put it all together and think…who will notice?

Same with sex books. Maybe you can’t move into that exact position. But maybe if you just put her leg back like this, put her arm right there … Forget all that. Just do what you think will feel good to her. Trust me, she’ll notice.