Currently Chasing: Alanis, circa 1995

There’s a few things that YOU YOU YOU “Outta Know.”

I’m single again. Hmmm. I don’t feel a difference. I guess when you’re only really in a relationship for a few weeks it’s hard to notice. Except that at lunch I only had one plate of Chinese. I usually go up for seconds. NOT THIS TIME. Break up diet. Here I come.

Here are a few of the last messages he sent to me:

“Will you marry me? I can’t wait to put a ring on you baby.”

“You’re all I really think about.”

“You are so good. You have me through whatever happens. You have such a good heart and I want it to belong to me.”

And it did. Until he gave it back. This morning. In an email, as some sort of attachment. Like, nevermind, I thought I wanted this … turns out it was just borrowed, but he returned it broken. So who is going to pay for this shit!

I’m not a hard woman to love. But I guess I’m also not a hard woman to unlove. Of course he wants to be friends. Have you seen my facebook lately? I have 800 friends dude. And none of them like what you’ve done.

On June 18 he tells me that words can’t explain how much he misses and loves me and then on June 20^th he is telling me that I’ll always hold a special place in his heart, but it’s goodbye? And people wonder why I’m all fucked up. I even took a vow of celibacy. I’m surrounded by swinging dicks, and I was going to block every cock.

But a friend said it best … finding out that he was the wrong one after only a few weeks is a gift. Finding out after years and years of marriage is torture. The thing is, it still doesn’t feel like he’s the wrong one. It just feels like the wrong time. But thinking like that has kept me in past relationships for far too long and I can’t travel down that road anymore.

If I wanted a man who isn’t sure he wants me I’d just go back to my ex. Heck, I might do that anyway. It seems these days everyone is just settling for whomever is closest.

The feeling I feel right now is not unfamiliar. I’ve felt it before. I’ll feel it again. I want to just scream at the top of lungs “EVERYTIME I SCRATCH MY NAILS DOWN SOMEONE ELSE’S BACK I HOPE YOU FEEL IT.”

Cause he said some really magical things to me. But he’s a good writer. And a wizard so it seems. And he wrote his way right back out of all those magical things. Yet in the same paragraph told me that it was meant for us to fall in love so we could know it really existed.

AND ISN’T IT IRONIC. DON’T YOU THINK?

Because immediately after reading his words I was certain it didn’t exist. The last think I needed in my life to prove that love existed was for a man to enter it, promise me the world, tell me I was his dream girl, ask me to marry him, and then break my heart with the line, “I did this so you would realize true love is possible.”

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

Hello Olive Garden, are you there? It’s me. And I need you to have some pasta and Mascato waiting for me STAT! Because you are my only true love. And I’d even go down on you in a theater.

P.S. (I know I’m making light of this situation, but two things remain true. I am actually in real pain over this situation. And I would go down on Fettuccini Alfredo in a theater.)