Currently Chasing: Weight-loss Sex

So if you know me then you know that I’m always looking for great and unconventional ways to lose weight. I’ve tried the Atkins Diet, the soup diet, the detox diet, the cookie diet and the vegan diet. I’ve taken dexatrim, slim fast, Xenadrine, Hydroxy Cut, Phen fen and Phentermine. I’ve joined Jenny Craig, Nutri-Sytem and Weight Watchers.

So recently when I noticed that a friend of mine was continually posting photos of herself become increasingly thinner and sexier, I finally had to ask … What the fuck are you on?

Sex, she said.

Turns out about a year ago my friend’s husband decided he needed a break. He moved out and left my friend and her children to figure things out on their own for awhile. Initially, the break devastated my friend, and sent her to that place where women hate and love to be, the “not able to eat” zone. That started the weight loss.

Eventually though she embraced her new semi-single status, and she also embraced what was quickly becoming a body she hadn’t seen since high school. However, she still wasn’t feeling very sexy.

All that changed when men started coming out of the wood works. From 19-42, she had a buffet laid out in front of her. She began taste testing. A little 19 year old here, a little 25 year old there, until she had established a menu she was more than happy to order from daily.

When the hunger pains would kick in, she would call one of her entrées over to both feel and fill her up. With every conquest she felt more sexy. Until finally a man who she was truly interested in took notice. HER HUSBAND.

He had also noticed this change in her body and her attitude. He noticed that she was feeling sexier and more confident. He saw that she was doing just fine on her own. She wasn’t calling him as much, and she was running off to Vegas with friends without so much as a text message to him. She was fazing him out. So he decided to put himself back on the menu.

So with this last picture she posts I finally have to ask …

“How does your body keep getting finer?”

“I don’t know, must be my five lovers and the workouts they give me,” she said.

“So you’re telling me that not only is sex great for weight loss, but also muscle toning?” I asked.

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you,” she said.

“Is there any one lover better than another?”

“I work the most with the 25 year old, but the 21 works me the most. The husband has the biggest dick. The 42 year old is just a really great lover all around. I’m currently on a break with the 19 year old. The 25 year old is who I’m with the most. I always get mine and love that he is ready to go again after only 10 minutes.

So I ask her why she doesn’t just keep the 25 year old and dump the rest. She asked why she should do that. You don’t always feel like eating the same thing every night. I guess sometimes you want something sweet, and sometimes you want something spicy. And she’s got a plethora of flavors.

As much as I love her body, the sex method is not going to work for me at this point. But I’m sure the “overseas diet” I’m about to embark on will do just as good of a job. I hate eating in foreign countries because I don’t eat anything unless I know for sure what it’s made of. No goat cheese pizza for me, thanks. Unfortunately, forced starvation doesn’t sound anywhere near as fun as the weight-loss program my friend is currently on. However, with this new vow of celibacy I’m overdosing on lately, food will continue to be the only thing ending up in my bra at the end of the night.