Currently Chasing: A Break

I've complained a lot about hating the District of Columbia. When my friends ask me to meet them anywhere near there, I cringe. When I know I'm going to have to park, I take anxiety medication. If I know I'm going anywhere near Dupont Circle, well, I just shoot myself in the face.

Even my GPS tells it like it is. I type in an address in DC and right away it says, preparing to get . LOST!

But for two months before I left Maryland, something wonderful happened. I started learning my way around DC.

So when my friend asked me to meet her near the Pentagon (and then jump on the metro to China Town) I said cool. I can do that. I can find the Pentagon. I own the fucking Pentagon. There was essentially no traffic on my way into DC and I was feeling good about the trip. I arrived to the Pentagon in record time and we proceeded to make our way to the metro.

I don't take the metro a lot, so I had to get a pass. I put my twenty in the machine, typed in how much I wanted to add to my card, and stood by. ERROR. The machine didn't have enough change for my twenty. Ok fine, I have a ten in my purse, just give me back the twenty and I'll use the ten. But the refund button wasn't working, and all of a sudden the machine said, out of bills, and that was that. My money never came back out. I HATE DC.

I tried to calm down. My friend knew I was heated. She offered to give me the twenty bucks. I said forget it, used a different machine, got my card, and we're off.

Dinner was great. She didn't eat much because she had just been dumped via Facebook (more to come on that later) so she was feeling all broken up with, which translates to, I'm not eating shit because my stomach is already full . OF PAIN.

After dinner, we went back to our vehicles. I drove home. Easy Peezy.

About a month later, I head back out to DC to have dinner with another friend. In fact, it was memorial weekend and she wanted to meet at the Hudson. I'd never been there, but I took a chance. I drove out there, found a great place to park, walked a couple of blocks to the restaurant, and proceeded to have an awesome meal.

My friend even paid the $71 tab (which was unexpected) and I was feeling so good about the evening that I tipped the parking attendant $15. I drove out of the lot and could feel I was getting lost. But low and behold I just followed my instincts (which for once didn't steer me in the wrong direction . literally) and viola, I was out of DC and back on the 50 headed home.

I felt like I had conquered the world. DC, you are my bitch. I might even be able to find my way into George Town to visit my girl Dee. I mean, I'm king of the fucking world.

So my friend J is renting out my condo while I'm gone, and she calls me up last weekend to deliver some news. I had been caught speeding on New York Avenue by a traffic camera in May and it was going to cost me $50. The camera photographed my vehicle and that picture was sent along with the ticket. I couldn't really see my face in the photo due to the fact that I was looking down, most likely because I was texting.

Well that's bullshit DC, but you know what, I'll pay your $50 because I'm a patriot and I know the money will most likely go to a good cause, like more traffic cameras. So I tell J to just go ahead and pay the ticket and take it out of the rent. She says ok. The next day she calls me and tells me that another ticket came. This time it was for April.

Are you kidding me! So basically the only two times I felt comfortable going to DC and I got speeding tickets both times! And she tells me that they already sent one notice (no they fucking didn't) and so this ticket was doubled. $100!

"What do you want me to do?" she said. "Just pay it and take the money off the rent?"

"Fuck no! Send me the fucking information and I'm going to tell those assholes I'm not fucking paying that shit! They never sent me anything and fuck them."

"Are you sure you want to deal with it?" she asked. "I could just pay it for you and you'd be done with it."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked. "That place is a fucking miscarriage! I am going to call them and tell them I'm a fucking patriot! I HATE DC. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. What were the dates again? I wasn't even in fucking DC during those times! I never speed. Someone else was driving my car. And the metro took my money! And the steak was a little tough. FUCK DC."

"So I should go ahead and pay it then?" she said calmly.

"Yeah, but write fuck you in the comments."