Currently Chasing: A Full (of shit) Moon

So just got back from watching Eclipse, the latest installment from the Twilight phenomenon, and let me just warn you there will be some spoilers in here…so heed the alert.

First of all, let me just say Fuck. Fuck everything about this movie. I mean, there is a reason the main characters aren’t really human. I would believe that vampires and werewolves exist before I would believe that the love portrayed in this movie exists.

Can you please let me know if you’ve ever been in the middle of, or even on the outside looking into, such an extreme love triangle? Edward loves her. We get it. We don’t need a breathy, hesitated 25-minute monologue every hour to remind us that Edward wants to save her soul and marry her and love her forever. GEEZUS, we get it. What I don’t get is this insatiable love that Jacob has for her. And also why he always needs to talk through a stiff angry mouth. Even when he’s telling her he loves her he’s angry about it. And quite dramatic actually. Like…”Bella, you have the right to know what’s going on. I’m in love with you. Grrr. And I’m angry!”

So Jacob FINALLY gets that kiss, right before Bella punches him in the face and breaks her hand on his cheek. Since when are werewolves made of steel? So SuperJacob and Edward are all in an uproar over her and who she’s going to choose and what she’s going to do. And they are just hanging on her every word and once again the entire movie revolves around saving her life and kissing her ass. Jacob tells her he’s going to love her till her heart stops beating and Edward can’t get a wedding ring on her fast enough.

So my friend sends me this text about the movie:

“I know the love that they show in these kind of movies is not realistic. But do you think there is anything close? I know you will probably say no, but love varies with every person and every relationship right? And it is all about what you put into it and get back. I would think if you loved someone hard and they loved you the same way back that it would compare and seem like the love in the movies. Don’t you think so?”

To which I replied, “Nope.”

To which my friend replies, “So what’s the point? What am I looking for? Am I fucked? I just told the person I once thought was the love of my life that I was not in love anymore. If there isn’t that kind of love out there than what the hell?”

And I promptly respond, “First off, it’s then, not than. If there isn’t that kind of love out there THEN what the hell, not THAN what the hell. And that is the point. You make a choice to put it all in and get it all back. She chose Edward. She’s not going to go fuck Jacob because it feels good. She’s sticking with her choice. You don’t get the kind of love unless you give it. And us mortals, we can’t give it.”

“Or won’t give it,” my friend responds.

And then adds that he’s done being gay.

I tell him that there are people who love like that, but the objects of their affection usually end up in a freezer.

In the end, it’s a good thing that Jacob was always half naked. My friend said it distracted everyone from his gayness. I say it distracted you from noticing that even the characters couldn’t ACT like they were that in love. Love like that is nearly impossible to feel and even harder to fake.

Unless you belong to the list of guys I’ve dated recently. But they haven’t really been human either.