Currently Chasing: Friday

There is a TGI Fridays in Afghanistan. The sign out front says, In here, it’s always Friday. But in Afghanistan, every day feels like the same day. So who gives a fuck if it feels like Friday in that damn place. I’ll tell you what it feels like in there to me. A rip off. In the states you can get three items for 12.99. Here you’ll pay 35 bucks for tough meat and crappy service. And why wouldn’t it be crappy…not only are you serving tables…but you’re in fucking Afghanistan.

TGI Fridays is located on what is known as the ‘boardwalk.’ It’s called that because it’s made of wood and you walk on it. Trust me, there is no one falling in love under it. There is a KFC on the boardwalk. They don’t serve popcorn chicken and they don’t serve biscuits…so they can close down for all I care.

The other day I walked over to another part of the base where I had to show my ID. Here is how the conversation went down with the guy at the gate.

Me (handing him my ID)

Him: Wow, brilliant smile. Then noticing the camera asks me what I do.

Me: I take pictures and write articles.

Him: How can you justify earning a wage for that?

Me: Didn’t you just check my ID? That doesn’t seem like a huge tasker either fuckwad.

Then we went on a ‘date’ later that night. On the boardwalk. I only went because he was British. And because he’s obviously an asshole.

Let me tell you something else weird about this place. They have diet Pepsi, but it is in tiny cans. AND IT HAS A CALORIE IN IT. What the fuck? It says right on the can, 1 calorie. Like they are proud of it or something. In the states, the can is bigger and there are no calories. I’m not exactly saying that the one calorie Pepsi is keeping me fat…but it’s helping.

I was at the chow hall the other day and this guy looks at my collar device and says…what’s that anchor mean? I said, it means I’m a chief baby. Then I ask him what he is. He points to the bar in the middle of his shirt. I say, um…it means I’m a chief Sir. This place is crawling with Officers. It’s also crawling with civilians who wear basically nothing. WE ARE IN A WAR ZONE SLUTTIE! Cover it up. You’re not doing anyone any favors by advertising your nuggets…specially when they aren’t even available at KFC.

I’m not really sure what day it is because the days all run together. I sometimes know it’s Sunday…but only if I manage to take my birth control pills every day. Right now we are in the middle of a dust storm, which isn’t much different than any other day except that they added storm to the end of the dust.

I need to do my laundry. There is a place on base that will do it for you…but I don’t like the way it smells when it comes back to me. And I don’t like the fact that someone else is touching my panties. And I swear a pair is missing. In Diego Garcia my roommate and I used to have our room cleaned each week. The guy who cleaned it would always steal her underwear. She didn’t mind because he always undercharged us. Someone asked if I was offended that he never took mine? No, I’ve had plenty of people ask for it at inopportune times and I’ve never been a fan of giving it up.

I’m going to head to the gym, even though big bulky steroid freaks always act like I don’t belong there. Are you using this bench? No asshole, I’ve got my knee on it, and I’m currently doing an exercise, but no, I’m not using it. Feel free to grunt and sweat all over it. And then not wipe it down. Perfect.

Maybe I’ll go to the Canadian gym…although lately there has been a sign saying only Canadians between certain hours…and those hours seem to be all day every day except Friday. And it’s only ever Friday in that fucking place on the boardwalk.