Currently Chasing: A Fresh Start

I hate starting over. I also hate continuing to cry over things that I have the power to change, but fuck it…here we go!

Whether I’m writing an email and it mysteriously deletes before I send it or I’m updating a status message that refuses to upload.

I hate redoing something I’ve already done. I don’t even want to get old tattoos touched up. I went through the pain once. I’m NOT going to do it again.

I hate it even more when I have to redo something I hated doing in the first place. This is the constant case for two areas of my life: Dating and Weight Loss.

I love being in love. But I hate the process. This is usually why I tend to fall in love too fast. I just want to skip all of the beginning shit and get to the part that feels familiar. I don’t want to worry about every single thing I say…or if I’m going to talk too much and end up saying something that makes you rethink ‘us.’ Or talk too much about an ex, or talk too much about a future, or talk too much about my past. I’m tired of redoing the beginning of a relationship. I just want to move to the part where we’ve accepted everything about each other and now we are living together in happiness. And trust me, that part won’t feel like a redo, because I don’t think I’ve actually ever experienced it.

The other thing I hate redoing is losing weight. Before I came on this deployment I weighed about 160 pounds. As of last month I had gained about 11 pounds. So today when I weighed myself and I was at 166, you would think I would be happy. But I’m not. Because it’s still six pounds heavier than I was before I came here and I hate STARTING OVER. What’s even more sad is that my friend was afraid to tell me how much weight she’s lost since starting this deployment because she knew it would just depress me. She even tried to say she only lost weight this past week because she had to get a root canal. Poor girl, she’s trying to make excuses for her weight loss so I won’t feel bad that I shoved 20 frozen Reece’s Pieces down my throat.

Another friend tried to offer me some advice. He said, don’t look at it as starting over…just look at is as a continuation. Ok, well that’s fine, but I don’t like to ‘continue’ doing something I’ve already fucking done. It’s crazy that my goal weight is now the weight I was before I left, when before I left my goal weight was 10 pounds less than that.

Tomorrow cannot be a repeat of today. I need to mix it up.  I cannot continue to eat too much, fall too hard and complain too often. I don’t need to start over. Starting over would just lead to the same place I am right now. Instead maybe just restart.