Currently Chasing: MY STUDENTS!

I have a new job. It’s wonderful in all the ways you would expect. My own office, walls for decorating, computer with internet, phone with outside access and a fax machine. I don’t yet have a printer, but that’s another story. I have files and folders and binders…oh my. All the makings of a real big-girl office and a real big-girl job.

I even have a rolodex full of numbers and important names and business cards. AND…I even had business cards made up for myself. It’s kind of a big deal for me. A business card that will end up in someone’s rolodex under “don’t lose this card cause they cost me $50 bucks to make.”

But guess what I see when I look around? My old job. That is because I’ve brought most of it with me. The important parts anyway….The pictures of my students and the end of class gifts they adorned me with. And every single one of them has an amazing back story.

So here we go. Story time.

There once was a class: BPAS-W 020-05. They gave me this:

You see the part where it says cups of fluff? Well that is because I told them once during a lesson about writing news, that I don’t want a bunch of flowery words. This is news people. I want the facts. I want the who, what,when, where, why, how. I don’t care about…cups of fluff. And from then on, whenever I felt like they were feeding me a line a bullshit, I would say, hmmm, that’s a cup of fluff. And so they each became my cups of fluff. My lovely students. All full of life and wonder and potential. And bullshit.

Notice they have nicknames. Some of those I made up, some of those I didn’t. I made up P.K. because that particular student was a peace keeper. Always quick to say something nice. I made up Deaf Jeff, because my student couldn’t hear out of his left ear so he sat to the left of the class and listened up with his right ear. Speed bump was mine. That was the student who got drunk, passed out in the field and was run over by some other students who drove their car through the field so they could listen to music. Can you imagine? But he was fine. Discovery channel did a whole thing on him and his injuries. He recovered just in time to get kicked out of the Navy for something else not related to his injuries. The questioner…well, obvious right.  A lot of questions. I’ve had a few of these over the years..you know who you are. And the rock! I love this girl. I didn’t think she liked me at first. I would tell amazingly funny jokes and…she wouldn’t laugh! What the hell! So finally I gave her a rock. On one side it said funny, and on the other side it said, not funny. I told her to use that … it would allow her to continue to show no emotion, while still validating my skills as a comedian…er, I mean educator. She used the rock. I didn’t always like what the rock had to say. But this student is still a great friend to this day.

Recently I received a package. It was a rock from Afghanistan. It said funny and not funny, and then both were written in Pashtu…the language in Afghanistan. It’s on display in my living room. Love it.

I would also break the ice with an “Everybody Dance” reference. If you’ve never seen a rejected cartoon, I suggest looking up the one about the cloud that bleeds from the anus. It’s educational. But not really appropriate … EVER. *I've decided to add the video*

Then there is this plaque. I don’t know what class this was, but I know I was in charge of section one because the plaque tells me so. It’s burned. Cool right?

I love it because they burned a SUFI into the wood. I love Dane Cook. But more than that, I pretty much had a delusional love affair with him, and no class was subjected to it more than this class. Notice that again, everyone has nicknames. A few of those they gave to themselves. But A squared…that was all me. Mostly because that particular student had a little problem with drinking. So the first A was for alcoholic. Although, I don’t think he knew that. And then there was Baum G. That was mine also…although people still call him that. That dudes name was redic. And I wasn’t going to pretend to be able to pronounce it for 60 training days. Ricci was mine also. Mostly because that student reminded me of Wednesday from the Adams Family…and in the movie that part was played by…Christina Ricci. I remember Ricci being asked to the Marine Corps ball by A squared and she bought a dress and everything and then he gave her ticket to someone else. Maybe that is where the other A came from? Not sure. Asshole? Not sure. DJ Dub was mine also, although I can’t remember why. Milly and Gilly, all mine. The Oklahoma thing? Who the heck knows. Def not mine.

You see the line from the movie brokeback mountain? “I wish I knew how to quit you?”  Just classic.

Notice there is also a typo! On the burned Plaque! Also Classic. I wouldn't change a thing.

Then there is this from BPASC 030-10:

Yes, that is a gold record! The title of the record is She’s amazing. Every single day I would come to class the students would give me a standing ovation. Imagine how that feels. At first I was annoyed…but that didn’t last very long! Pretty soon I expected it, and when I would walk into class without them noticing and I wouldn’t get the applause…well, let’s just say grading was harder on them that day. I’m kidding. Kinda. But in the midst of the claps and hoopla, one student would yell out, SHE’S AMAZING. Another student would throw out a much appreciated, ‘I love her hair!’ It was all really much ado about …. SOMETHING! Fun times with that class. Not too many nicknames. Although Harvard comes to mind for one of them. And then there was the Asian raised by Caucasians. So we called him the Caucasian Asian.  And then there was the Russian. And we had a guy who picked his nose a lot, but he didn’t make it to graduation.

Then there is the class that got me this:

We use that word SAPP whenever someone says something they shouldn’t say. Bad words, off color jokes, brand names…SAPP, SAPP, SAPP. As you can imagine the students in this class were a bunch of SAPP Bombs! So when they first presented me with this, I thought wow, how did you find a Jersey from a team in California (where I’m from) with the word SAPP on it!

They informed me that it was an actual person and he just happened to play for the Raiders. Way less cool. Kidding. Kinda. I had lot of fun with this class. For our class photo I sat on a ‘thrown’ and they all stood around me looking up at me adoringly. Do you think I abuse my power?

So many other things over the years. Dane cook shirts, a paddle signed by my class. The paddle represented the story I told them about a principle at my daughter’s school who demonstrated to her and I the correct way to paddle a child before turning the paddle over to me and telling me to paddle her. It was a very awkward and emotionally brutal time, and my students of course decided to exploit it for all it was worth. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Flowers, cards, notes, and well wishes. I miss my students. A couple of them are back as instructors. I’m so proud. I follow them on facebook. LIKE A STALKER. Kidding….Kinda.

They are having babies, getting married, getting out of the military and even coming out of the closet. They are like hundreds of little reality shows that I can’t stop watching. And I’m thankful for every single one. Except that nose picker. Kidding. Kinda.