Currently Chasing: Chicken

I’m a very picky eater. Ask anyone I know. If you ask me where I want to go to lunch, I will say Chipotle. If you ask me where I want to go to dinner, I will say Olive Garden…or Chipotle. If you ask me where I want to go on Fridays I will say Denny’s. If you ask me what I’m going to get at either of these places it will always be the exact same thing I got the time before.

Chipotle: Salad, chicken, tomatoes, guacamole.

Olive Garden: Fettuccine Alfredo w/ Wheat pasta.

Fridays at Dennys: Clam Chowder.

If they don’t have Clam Chowder, then I will just leave. It’s what I like. It’s what I want. It’s all I want.

If I venture out and go to subway, it will always be a turkey sub. If I go to taco bell, it will always be a bean burrito.

I do not like seafood. At all. I know you are wondering why then do I go to Denny’s for clam chowder. It’s Dennys!! Come on, you know they don’t actually add clams. It’s just potato soup! Once when I was younger I found a clam in there and I freaked. My father said, “Waitress! Why is there a clam in my child’s clam chowder.” Although he was being sarcastic, it seemed like a completely rational question to me. Like, “Yeah! What the fucking fuck is this chewy thing!” She just stared at us, half smiled and let us continue to marinate in our crazy.

If I go to jack in the box, which I love! I will only get tacos and curly fries. Nothing else. No jack burger or jack sourdough, or jack burrito, or jack shit. Just tacos and curly fries. Minus the cheese. I’m not a big cheese fan. I’ll eat nachos and pizza and even grilled cheese, but if you give me a cheeseburger, I won’t touch it. I will never eat a three cheese anything. If something has white cheese, you can forget about it. If it’s ‘the cheesiest’ anything…no way. If it’s double cheeseburger hamburger helper. No way! One cheese in my cheeseburger hamburger helper thank you. Not double.

So when people want to take me out to dinner and they suggest a new place, I’m always skeptical. As was the case recently when my friend offered to take me out to a place in DC called Againn. Turns out she had won a gift certificate to the restaurant and asked if I would like to go and help her spend her new found $100. It is one of Washington’s top 100 restaurants and I heard ‘grill’ in the description, so I thought…it will be fine as long as they serve chicken. I can pretty much go anywhere and just order chicken. This is what I do at Red Lobster, which is the worst place to go for a person who does not like seafood or cheese…because everything is extra cheese here, extra fish here, extra smelly here, extra cheesy there.

So I go to the website and check out the menu.

First let me say that I’m always weary of a place where they don’t let you choose your sides. You know those places where they group everything for you? Ugh…like they know what the fuck I want with my chicken.

Anyway, I go to the dinner menu and this is the first thing I see:

BRAISED SHOULDER OF SHENANDOAH LAMB 27.
french lentils, swiss chard, spiced yoghurt

Oh my God! Fucking yuck.

Um, you’ve got to be kidding me? Braised Shoulder? What the fuck is that? I don’t want to eat a shoulder!!

So I continue to look for the chicken and I see:

CONFIT OF MUSCOVY DUCK LEG 25.
basil risotto, roasted spring onion, smoked tomato

Goddammit! Really? Duck leg? There is a lot more being smoked here than tomato!

So I continue looking and:

CHICKEN LIVER MOUSSE 9

Ooops, someone took a shit on this and it didn't change the taste.

Ok, now they are just kidding.

And then:

BEETROOT SALAD 9.
naval orange, pickled fennel, ricotta salata, spiced walnuts, honey dressing.

Beetroot? Oh my god! Send me back to Afghanistan where I can go to TGI Fridays!!

But then I saw this:

House made Bangers and Mash.

This looks like a freshy casterated penis.

I thought that was just a song about a penis and balls sung by that dude from Get Him to the Greek.

Needless to say I never found the chicken. Or the will to live on the same planet with this top 100 restaurant. I can only assume that number one on the list sells cheesy fish testicals.