Currently Chasing – My Tale

I’m back – nunanunanunanunana.

It’s been so long, and every time I come back like this I feel like I’ve got to give some kind of “where I’ve been” speech about who I’ve been doing. I mean what. Of course I mean what.

Earlier this year my daughter told me that breast feeding was her biggest regret in life.  For me it was an all access tattoo that I thought was paying a tribute to Madonna. Turns out hers was fake, much like my daughter’s enthusiasm during her breastfeeding months – of which there were only three. I guess neither of us were big fans.

I’ve been writing more, but not blogging more. I’m hoping to rectify that. What happens is, you end up posting blogs in tiny increments called status updates and then shit feels like old news that instantly became part of a timeline that then scrolled into oblivion.

Scott went on deployment to Djibouti. Before you start to feel sorry for him, know that he deployed with a seabag full of cargo shorts and under amour polos. And that within a month he asked me to send him every movie he owned, and also an Ikea lamp. And that the last time I couldn’t get ahold of him it was because he was playing a ping pong championship game. So while I’ve been here worrying about a hole in our roof and our heat going out during the snow storm, he’s been forest gumping it in the Horn of Africa.

But I still can’t complain. Life has been good. Work has been good. And besides my daughter being a preteen who NEVER UNDERSTANDS MY POINT ABOUT ANYTHING, (hold that whole thought…I’ve got a story to share and I need your opinion.)

My daughter decided to make lip gloss out of coconut oil and crayons, as you do. And I bought her some empty plastic Easter eggs to put the concoctions in. Cute right!? So then I asked if she’d make me one –

The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, will you make me some lip gloss?

Preteen Nightmare: Um, what color would you want?

(mind you there are about 50 different crayons in this box)

Me: Um, maybe this pink one?

PN: OMG Mom, that’s the color I want!

Me: Really? There are a few other colors that are similar?

PN: Then pick one of those!

Me: Ok, how about this color?

PN: Fine.

So later that day her friends come over and they are all making lip gloss. Her friend is sitting on the couch applying a shade that looks similar to the original one I pointed out. So later when we are alone I say:

Me: What color did you make for your friend?

PN: That original color that you wanted.

Me: What? Why! I thought that was the color you wanted?

PN: Well that’s the color she picked.

Then she stared at me. And I STARED AT HER. And she didn’t get what my stare was about. And I didn’t get how she didn’t get what my stare was about.

Me: Well if you didn’t want that color for yourself then why didn’t you make it for me?

PN: You said you wanted a different color.

Me: Only after you threw a fit about the original color I picked.

PN: Geez mom, it’s a crayon, seriously? We can just go buy that color again for like 10 cents. What is the big deal?

And the big deal of course was that she was valuing her friends’ wants and needs over her own mothers. And that I would never do that to her. And that I make sure she always has what she wants and needs. And that every time I ask for ANYTHING her first response is always no before I FLIP THE FUCK OUT and then she finally says yes, but not without dragging her feet the entire time and making me feel like I’m totally unreasonable.

But she didn’t see any of that. She saw her CRAZY mother flipping out about crayon lip gloss.

And despite that, life is still pretty good. I’m surrounded by people who love me. I have a good job, and I’ve stopped spending hundreds of dollars a month on candy hammers.

And as far as blogging goes. I’m back - to telling tales.