Stay off the pole

(Original Post: March 12, 2006 - Sunday)

Chris Rock said it best. He has one job in life now, and that job is keeping his daughter off the pole. So why is the newest workout craze causing tons of women to 'reassess the pole.' What I mean is this. I go to the movies the other day to watch a children's flick, and I see an add for Xpose fitness. They teach floor, chair and pole routines. A free beginner class for those interested. And even though I'm more curious than actually interested, I attend. Fifty women, all different shapes and sizes and nationalities. Mothers and Grandmothers.
Our instructor throws on some 8 inch hooker heels, clear by the way, and we are ready to begin. 45 minutes later I feel like the same ol' me, only now I know what the term 'pop it out' means, and I also am too familiar with the woman in front of me. We go into the next room for a pole demo. And wow. How many weeks is it going to take me to learn that little maneuver? That's more than 10-weeks lady. They announce a special. A yoga mat, the clear hooker heels, and 6 classes for $99 bucks. We are all thinking the same thing...where do I sign? Because to be honest...although we all made fun of it, and half the fucking girls in the class moved like robots, and the snake is move I will NEVER get down, and 'when in doubt, pop it out' is not a phrase that will help me in everyday life, one thing is true: I left there feeling sexy. And standing a little bit straighter even. I should warn you though. There are injuries. Jenna Jameson wrote a book awhile back. There is a whole section on Stripper injuries. Holy crap, that shit is no joke. I cannot imagine falling from the height of those heels. And knees...a lot of time spent on the knees. It's not all giggles and dollar bills ladies. That's for sure. It is a good workout though. I don't know if you are sweating more from the squats or from the fact that 49 women are watching you trace your body with your fingertips, but whatever the case, it beats a five-mile run on the treadmill. Which by the way is only actually three miles of actual outside running. So point proven even more.