I figured it out

(Original; Post: July 1, 2006 - Saturday)

I know why I'm single. I figured it out. It's because I wake up so early in the morning. I have woken up an average of 4 to 5 hours earlier than anyone I've ever dated. For some reason, my body won't let me sleep past 7 or 8 when there is someone else in bed with me. So this is what happens.
I wake up at 7. I try to move around, make some noise. Stretch. Accidentally elbow my partner in the nose. Walk around the room. Go through drawers. Get back in bed. Try to sleep. Shuffle around again thirty minutes later. Smash my partner in the face with a clock radio. And when all else fails, I have no choice but to do the one thing that women should never do. That one thing that I do ... and once I start, I can not stop. And I can never forget. That one thing that keeps me single.
I watch you sleep. A man asleep is not an attractive thing. He is no longer holding his gut in. There are night boogers in his eyes and nose. His body is never positioned well. Occasionally he scratches his ass. He may even place his hands down his pants and keep it there for some time. And soon those ass scratching, crotch grabbing hands are either going to end up somewhere near his face, or somewhere on my body. HELLS TO THE NO.
Also, they snore. Not loud roars, but little snorts and gags here and there. Mouth open for sure. It gives me plenty of time to notice every single flaw you have. Pillow is wet with saliva. T-shirt has stains. There are chip crumbs in the bed. The hair under your arms has twisted and formed little dreads. You don't have a nail on your big toe. Your fingers look like nubs. One eye is higher on your face than the other eye. Hair is standing straight up as if it is trying to pull away from the head in resentment. Breath is so bad I consider the brief idea that you may suffer from halitosis. Occasionally there is another odor. And I can't even get into that. Unknown relaxed bed farts are the worst.
After four hours of this, compiled with the disgust I most likely already have for you depending on what I found in your dresser, you can see why I'm single. Dissection begins in the morning people. There is no time for sleep.
And if you set an alarm for 7. Do not fucking snooze it till 10. I will kick your fucking ass. And do not just let it go off and pretend you don't hear it. I will shoot you in the face. My alarm doesn't even have to sound. I hear the click that happens right before the alarm sounds...and that little noise alone is enough to wake me up. If I shit myself because I thought your death buzzer was a terrorist trying to steal the bed, I'm dumping you. Regardless of how good you look in the morning.