Currently Chasing: A Happy Ending

The other day I got a pedicure. But it wasn’t just any pedicure. It was the absolute ultimate pedicure.

I walk in and am immediately met by gorgeous color schemes and chocolate. And let’s face it, they had me at Hershey.

A woman comes up and asks me what I’d like to have done. I tell her I’d like a pedicure. She doesn’t just tell me to pick a color as she rushes back into oblivion. Instead she hands me a menu. A pedicure menu. I begin reading through my options.

I end up choosing the tropical pedicure. It’s going to cost me $45 and I was a bit skeptical at first. AT FIRST.

They escort me to another room of the salon. A semi private room. I didn’t even get a semi private room when I gave birth to my daughter!

They set the back massager and the foot bath and leave me to soak. Two minutes later a woman comes in and offers me some water. Then another woman comes in and offers me a glass of wine. Yes please. Then they ask if I’d like a snack? Cheese and crackers? Peanut butter and celery? Steak and shrimp? Are you kidding me?

Then the woman sits down and begins the process. She has an artist’s tray with all kinds of lotions and potions. It’s literally a pallet of awesomeness.

She begins rubbing stuff, clipping stuff, rubbing stuff, scrubbing stuff, buffing stuff, rubbing stuff. I’m in absolute heaven. Just me and my wine and a burning incent. No shit. She burnt and incent.

She is doing reflexology on my feet. She is making love to my toes. I’m not even kidding. It was amazing. I couldn’t even manage to send text messages or play doodle jump. That’s how good it was. I was able to put my phone down and relax. That NEVER happens. Literally the other day my daughter asked which I loved more, her or my iphone. That's how serious my phone affair is.

So anyway, at this point the lady begins to hot stone massaged my legs. Then she wrapped them in warm towels. Then she polished them to perfection and started to blow them dry. A blow job for 45 bucks...DEALIO!

BUT THEN.

She stood up and oiled up her hands and began rubbing my back! A friend of mine had the same pedicure and they actually had her remove her shirt so they could rub her back! She must have gotten the all inclusive lesbian massage. My lady was just fine rubbing me with my clothes on, and I didn’t mind. I had on a tank top and she was thrusting her hands down the backside of it. Rubbing my back as if I was actually paying for it. Then she moved on to my neck, then my face, then my head, then down my arms, then she began rubbing my hands and I just know this is what it feels like to get a boner.

My friend had informed me that when she was getting her rub she was thinking…they must have misunderstood what I asked for. She was doing the math in her head wondering how much this was all going to cost. But guess what. She didn’t give a fuck. At that point, just take the wallet. Who cares.

And that’s exactly how I felt. Take my money, take my shirt…take it, take it...you bad girl you...

After the massage she walked out of the room. Then returned with two hot towels and began giving me a towel bath. I’m not kidding people. She washed my arms, my neck, my back and face.

And when I got up to the counter ready to pay the hundreds of dollars she deserved. It was $45.

And trust me, in this economy, that is a happy ending.