Currently Chasing: Pineapples

So when it comes to semen … is it really true that what you eat can change how you taste below the waist? And does penis or ball size have anything to do with the taste or consistency? Will fruit and veggies make a man taste like a dream? Do heavy meat eaters taste like nightmares? I guess yes, if nightmares taste like battery acid.

These are the questions that go through my mind lately as I’m sitting through boring power point briefs. This is what I think about while the rest of the world is busy being productive members of society.

I’ve heard a lot of talk recently about pineapple. But let’s be clear. You can’t just eat a piece of pineapple and then think you’re going to taste like a fucking sweet tart. Chances are, unless you are eating it, or drinking its juices on the regular, you are still going to taste like Ajax.

Semen for the most part is never going to taste like a bowl of fruit loops. If you are expecting a mouth filled with warm almond butter, you’ve got another thing ‘coming.’ However, letting your man get to that point and then just throwing a towel at him, or worse, throwing up on him, just won’t do.

This was the case for a friend of mine.

“So I’m with my girlfriend last night and she went down on me for the first time,” he said.

“That’s awesome,” I said.

“No. It really wasn’t,” he quickly added. “I could feel that I was about to come and then all of a sudden she just … moved. But I was already so close to coming, so it just kind of happened.”

“Oh, um … did she get you a towel?” I asked.

“Yeah, but does that even matter?” he asked.

“Well did you talk to her about it?” I asked.

“Hell yes,” he said. “But she told me she just doesn’t like the taste.”

And there it is. The taste. My favorite episode of sex in the city deals with this exact subject.

Samantha is going down on a man and he comes in her mouth. Right away you can see by the look on her face that the taste equated to milk gone bad. The next time they are together, she refuses to go down on him. He asks her why. She tells him that he has funky spunk. He doesn’t believe her. So she tells him she will do it one more time and let him taste it. If the taste is good enough for him, then it’s good enough for her. He agrees. She goes down. He comes. She lets him taste it. The look on his face confirms that his jizz tastes like sweaty pit cheese. But he chokes it down and whispers, “It’s good enough for me.”

But sometimes the taste isn’t the only problem. The consistency and amount are also common complaints. My friend was talking to me about her husband. She said his penis is only three inches (HARD) but his balls are huge. She said she doesn’t have a problem with swallowing except that his cum is very watery and there is A LOT of it. Sometimes she has to swallow mid way through. Wow. I do not envy her one bit. But I’ve also met men who can’t come at all due to medication and mental blockers…so what’s worse? Funky spunk, too much spunk, watery spunk, lumpy spunk or no spunk … Let’s be honest. I think it’s the three inch (HARD) cock.

The point is if you expect your woman to finish the ‘job’ then try to sweeten the deal. Try eating right, try lifting a weight or two. But in your attempt to down fruits and veggies, avoid asparagus. From what I hear, that makes you taste like … well, asparagus. Towel please.